It's Alive: Barrelhouse Issue Three

Perhaps you've noticed that the image to the right of this message changed recently, from a fluorescent orange Godzilla preparing to attack a group of unsuspecting villagers to a montage of fingers and car seats and little bugs crawling all over a nice lady's face.

If so: good catch, Eagle Eye!

If not: You really should pay more attention to your surroundings, pal. This is how people get mugged. Do you have your wallet right now? Are you sure?

But Mike, you're probably asking, what does this image change mean?

Good question! It means that Barrelhouse Issue 3 is available now on newsstands everywhere!

Or, well, not "everywhere." And not "newsstands," per se. "At select bookstores served by our distributor" would perhaps be more accurate. Also via The Internets.

No, I can't explain how the online ordering works, exactly, though I'm told it involves a series of tubes. I suspect it may be like the bank drive-through: you put your money into the tube, you wait a couple minutes, then out comes a freshly printed copy of Barrelhouse Issue 3 and a delicious stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Also, PayPal is involved somehow.

But Mike, you're probably asking, why do I want a copy of Barrelhouse Issue 3 when I've still got my copy of Issue 2 right here on my nightstand?

Jesus, you sure ask a lot of stupid questions.

Oh, God, no, don't cry. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just been a long week, and, hey, we'll go for ice cream later, okay? How's that sound? Do you like ice cream? Do you maybe want some chocolate ice cream, in a waffle cone, with some nice little sprinkles on top? Yeah? Does that sound good? Okay then, I'll make a deal with you: just be quiet for a couple more minutes while Daddy finishes selling these nice people their magazines.

Why does Daddy have to sell magazines? How about you ask Mommy about that the next time she comes home from Nordstrom's with like eight goddamn bags of -- hey, hey, no, don't start again. Of course Daddy loves Mommy. Joint what? How did you even learn that word? No, of course not. Ice cream and a comic book, okay? You like comic books? Whichever one you want. Sure, fine. Just give Daddy five minutes, okay? Okay?

Sorry about that, folks. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right: Barrelhouse Issue 3.

Look, not to badmouth Barrelhouse Issues 1 and 2, which were pretty freakin' sweet and all, but this is totally the best Barrelhouse ever. We’ve got interviews with George Saunders and Chuck Klosterman, which right there is pretty much worth the cover price, if you ask us. Plus a special section featuring Ed Asner poetry.

Yes, you read that right: we’ve got Ed Asner poetry. How hot is that? Pretty goddamn hottt (those extra t's, by the way, are meant to connote a level of hotness greater than what you'd generally associate with a thing that is hot. The kids are still doing that, right? Right?)

Barrelhouse Issue 3 also contains our usual super-hottt mix of non-Asner-related poetry, artwork and short stories, including one about a guy who just might break things off with his girlfriend because she doesn’t have the proper appreciation for Neutral Milk Hotel, and a story by a fellow named Chris Rock, but not that Chris Rock. I suspect it’s more tolerable sharing a name with Chris Rock than sharing a name with, say, Michael Bolton, or Rick Santorum, but it probably still gets a little annoying, especially when people keep asking you to do that one bit from I’m Gonna Git You Sucka about “how much for one rib?” and holy shit, that scene totally cracks me up every time.

Huh? Oh, right: Barrelhouse Issue Three.

Totally, totally hotttt. Don't believe us? How about you ask a little publication called The Washington Freakin' Post!

That just totally sealed the deal, didn't it? I hope so, because I've got some ice cream to buy. And enough shoes to make Imelda Marcos look like a homeless person. Hey ohhhhh! That right there, folks, is what we call a zingah!

Please, if you don't want my wife and children to starve, go to the website now and get your copy.

And while you're there, check out our new online issue! And our latest feature, the Barrelhouse Community Story, where you -- yes, that's right, you! -- can help us write a thrilling tale! Check it out! Do it! Now!

Yes, MTV used to air things other than Laguna Beach and TRL

For years there have been rumors that The State will be released in its entirety on DVD. I sure hope that happens soon, because I’m tired of explaining to the younger generation that Michael Ian Black used to be funny.

No, seriously. He was. Really, really funny.

"Let's Go to the Zoo"





“The Bearded Men of Space Station 11”






A search for The State on YouTube will turn up more -– including such fan favorites as Doug, Louie the “I wanna dip my balls in it” Guy, Taco Men, and Porcupine Racetrack.

Say goodbye to the next hour of your life.

Dear Tara Reid: Don't Let the Terrorists Win

Dear Tara Reid,

As all three followers of this blog know, I am a huge fan of you and your short-lived drunken train wreck of a best ever reality television show, Taradise. Ah, just typing those words again, Tara, it makes me feel fabulous, it feels like the velvet rope of life has been opened up to me, like I've just done twelve shots of sambuca with the son of some Greek shipping tycoon and now I'm blissfully stumbling onto the beer-sticky floor of life, legs akimbo, one misshapen boob falling not so haphazardly out of my dress and it's...well, it's Taradise, Tara.

But I could go on and on, as you can surely see. So let me get to the point: I read with great interest your cover story in Us Weekly last week. First, let me commend your new publicist. You looked cute, clean, and sober. Your famously public breasts were generally tucked away beneath at least two layers of fabric. It almost seemed like the past five years or so hadn't happened, and it was just that cute girl next door from American Pie on the cover of Us Weekly.

But I didn't just look at the pictures, Tara. I read the article, all 500 words of it, and I'd like to talk to you about one particular passage that I feel is, well, it's important, Tara. Not just important for you and me and all the blissed out denizens of Taradise, but for the good old U S of A.

In the article, you mention that all the "party girl ways" started as a result of September 11. Now, I think we all agree that September 11 was fucked up, Tara. It was a very scary time, and as we all know all too well, it changed a whole lot. Come to think of it, that might have been just about the time that we started buying wine by the case around my house, as well.

But Tara, think about it: if September 11 set you on the party girl path, and now you're about to get off that path, doesn't that mean that, yes, The Terrorists Have Won? Isn't a more helpful reaction to continue the booze-soaked spiral into oblivion? If those pansies at E! won't broadcast your antics anymore, I will gladly donate the Barrelhouse servers for weekly, or better yet, nightly taradisecasts. Be a part of the solution, Tara, not part of the problem. Perhaps we could work out some kind of national terror alert level that has to do with your breasts? Kind of like gang signals, but with, you know, your breasts.

That's just an idea, and it needs work, but the more important issue is that you stay the course, Tara. Don't be the party-girl of cut and run. That's not what Taradise is all about, and if there's one thing I know in this crazy post-9/11 world, it's that we could all do with as much Taradise as we can get.

Old Time Gangster Film Anthologies

Stanley Crouch reviews two gangster film anthologies from Warner Bros. If you were wondering what to get me for Christmas, look no further!

However, this article does raise some interesting questions, such as: Does anyone at Slate have the balls to edit Crouch's work? Take this intricately crafted sentence, for example:

This is particularly true in Angels With Dirty Faces (1938), where O'Brien plays the moral counterbalance to Cagney's charming thug, who is a less circumscribed variation on his Tom Powers in The Public Enemy, whereas Cagney's Powers has no morality whatsoever and has replaced a soul with brute appetites.

Still worth a look-see, however.

Studio 60, losing steam?

I know it's only been a few days since I used this space to sing the praises of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and I'm still (mostly) enjoying the show, but I do have a quibble: the show-within-a-show's just not funny.

Which is a problem, considering the premise of Studio 60 is that these two mega-talented guys have been brought in to retool a tired sketch show, and that their retooling is working. Everyone in the Studio 60 universe seems to think the show is just hilarious, never been better, gut-busting and side-splittingly funny. Except, actually, not so much.

One of the great touches of the first episode was the sample sketch used to give us a feel for the state of the show. You didn't even need to watch a snippet of the sketch; you heard the sketch's title -- Peripheral Vision Man -- and you know exactly what sort of animal you were dealing with.

Maybe it's just easier if the show-within-a-show is supposed to be bad. On the "new and improved" Studio 60, we've seen:

--a Nancy Grace sketch that was a less funny version of the one that appeared on a recent episode of SNL.
--an unfunny Juliet Lewis impression.
--a fake gameshow.
--a very unfunny Nic Cage impression.

And this is different than Peripheral Vision Man how, exactly?

Barrelhouse Takes on the New Fall Season

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- This show's well-written enough that it's forced me to reconsider my position on both Matthew Perry and Amanda Peet, which, believe me, is really saying something.

The Class -- Here's the premise of this show: A doofus tries to impress his girlfriend by rounding up everyone from their third grade class for a party -- and not only do people show up, their lives are indelibly linked afterward. If this set-up sounds intriguing to you, by all means tune in. And then smack yourself over the head with a mallet, because you're the reason so many crappy sitcoms get put on the air.

Friday Night Lights -- The jury's still out on this one. I wasn't a big fan of the movie, which I thought glossed over some of the book's more interesting sociological observations about life in West Texas. So far the TV show seems to have potential -- Kyle Chandler is particularly good as the new coach -- but it's maybe a little too Varsity Blues, minus the bad Dawson-Leery-trying-to-sound-tough-and-Southern element, of course. I'll probably keep watching, though, because I love football. Plus NBC's making it hard to avoid by airing each episode roughly eighteen times a week.

How I Met Your Mother -- God, this show pisses me off. It would be one thing if it was just consistently lousy and I could stop watching (see: The Class). But all the secondary characters are really funny and fun to watch -- on a recent episode, Doogie Howser Barney takes Nick Andopolis Marshall out to meeet girls, but then keeps stealing the girls for himself with his "Do you like magic tricks?" line. High-larious. On another episode, Barney leaves a note for his one night stand explaining that he's in fact a ghost who's only allowed to appear in the flesh once every ten years -- maybe, the note says, he'll see her again in a decade, "if [she] hasn't lost her figure." Unfortunately, we eventually have to go back to the main storyline about dopey Ted and his pie-faced girlfriend and God I just want to smash them both in the back of the head with a fucking brick. Do the show's writers know how annoying Ted is? Are they setting us up for a twist ending in which we find out he's been narrating the entire story from The Great Beyond after getting run over by a delivery truck? Is that too much to ask?

Grey's Anatomy -- Speaking of annoying narrators, am I the only one who finds Meredith unbearably whiny and self-absorbed, even by the admittedly lowered standards of television dramedy? Really? Just me, huh? I'm all alone on this one?

The Office and My Name is Earl -- still really, really funny.

Men in Trees -- Quirky single girl from the big city trapped in Alaska. Not enough cliche potential for you? What if I told you she was a relationship advice expert? Whose fiance recently cheated on her? Yeah, there we go.

Brothers and Sisters -- I've been Tivoing this, but I've only mustered the energy to watch the first episode, which seemed a little ... I don't know .... rudderless, maybe? There were a lot of characters, and a lot of yapping, and then someone died, and maybe there's a financial scandal? Also, Calista Flockhart plays a conservative pundit, which is pretty much the only way Ally McBeal could become less likeable.

Everybody Hates Chris -- I think this show's really funny. Why aren't you watching it? Because you people like to disappoint me.

So there you have it. I'm sure I've left out some shows -- both good and bad ones. So feel free to add your own reviews in the comments.

Press Release of the Week: When Nerds Attack

I'm sure there's an interesting discussion to be had here about whether real-world laws apply to virtual worlds and e-commerce, but that conversation will have to be presided over by someone more mature than me. Because when I read about this lawsuit, it made me want to throw on my red sleeveless Alpha Beta tee shirt, chug beer from a trophy and scream "Neeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrds!"

It seems that Marc Bragg -- known in the online world of Second Life as "Marc Woebegone," a guy who can benchpress 250 pounds, who totally has a girlfriend, and who can use his mother's car whenever the hell he wants to -- bought some virtual land with three hundred real dollars. Only he got the land through some kind of "exploit" in the game, and so the game moderators took back the land but didn't refund his money. According to the suit, they also kicked him out of the virtual world and "stole" $2,000 worth of his virtual posessions, which included his virtual dignity and virtual self-respect.

Mr. Bragg wants to make clear, though, that he doesn't really care about the money:

The amount of money involved hardly warrants the time and effort the lawsuit will require. It is more about the fundamental importance of players' rights and requiring the creators of these virtual economic universes to respect real world laws and real world peoples' rights in these virtual worlds.

Bragg added that he has a picture of his girlfriend in his wallet if we want to see it. She lives in Canada, but they met at summer camp several years. Also, they've totally done it "like one million times."

Barrelhouse Presents the Wave Poetry Bus

TONIGHT at 7pm, the Wave Poetry Bus will pull in to Washington, DC. Barrelhouse and Wave Books will present Joshua Beckman, Matthew Zapruder, Catie Rosemurgy, Sally Keith, Dwaine Rieves, Kyle Dargan, Gwydion Suilebhan, Peter Gizzi, Valzhyna Mort, Rod Smith, Cole Swensen.

7-9pm @ The Big Hunt, 1345 Connecticut Ave on Dupont Circle.

Stopping at 50 cities in 50 days the 2006 Poetry Bus Tour, sponsored by Seattle-based independent press Wave Books, is the biggest literary event of 2006 and the most ambitious poetry tour ever attempted with over 120 poets participating.