5.19.2008

Every Story Is Intriguing

I imagine no one but me is paying attention to this, but apparently the new 90210 update will star, among others, Aunt Becky, as well as a black. No word yet on whether the black will be the first black character in Beverly Hills, 90210 history to not play basketball (seriously, what was Brandon's deal? It's like he had some deep need for a token black friend, and the only place he knew to look was the basketball court.)


According to the CW's promotional video, the new version is "cooler, sexier, more provocative, where every story is intriguing, every character has a secret, and nothing is what you expect." There's also a "fiercely independent" girl named Silver -- one can only hope her name means she's the daughter of David Silver, and that David Silver named his daughter Silver Silver. Presumably Steve Sanders will play the Mr. Belding character.

World's Ugliest Dog?



Happy Monday, Barrelhousers! It's that time of year again: time to vote for the world's ugliest dog! Pictured above is Miss Ellie, a Tennessee native, and one of the sixteen very worthy contenders. You can vote here.

5.16.2008

um, please don't ridicule me...

but guess what I got?


(a hint: tix to see Nick in Chicago in September...)

It's so wrong, but it's so right.


Jill causin' trouble...

For reasons not entirely pertinent, I spent the evening thinking about the RUSH song "The Trees" and I came to the conclusion that it's just about the gayest song ever.  And by gay I don't mean homosexual, which would likely mean it was a good song.  No, no.  The gay whereof I speak is that 4th grade playground use of the word gay, which roughly translates into "fucking dumb."  


Who gives a rat's ass if the maples demand equal rights?  Is that some sort of Canadian dig against the good ole USA?  And why should the maples have equal rights in any case?  Everyone knows that birches are where it's at, bitches.  Even Bobbie Frost knew that much.

So I'm wondering.  What other dumb-ass dumb songs can we mock?  (And oh yes, we shall mock them and mock them in the ass, I tell you!)  

5.15.2008

Proud to be an American, Where At Least I Know I'm Free

I know we don't normally dip our toes into politics around here, for very good reasons, but I have to say: this shit is even more offensive and depressing than Kim Kardashian's dumb ass talking about Burma. 





5.14.2008

Arch Nemesis

If David Archuleta turns one more bad mid-eighties ballad into a fucking terrible R&B slow jam disaster, I'm going to pull a Brooke White and start crying uncontrollably in public places.

That is all.

...

5.12.2008

We Watch So You Don't Have To: Real World Hollywood

The producers of the long-running Real World series deserve a pat on the back for, finally, throwing out the conceit that the five attention whores chosen to live in a ridiculous house and have their lives taped are not, in fact, interested in "being real," nor are they, strictly speaking, "ordinary strangers" just going about their daily lives while cameras happen to be running. In the early seasons that conceit was a half-truth, at best, but it clearly began to disintegrate the moment the cast members started to refer to themselves as cast members, and was completely thrown out the window when Real World/Road Rules Challenge became, apparently, a viable long-term career option.


This season, the Real Worlders have come to Hollywood not just to live in a house and run a ridiculous "business," but to make their attention-whoring dreams come true: all the cast members are there because they want to be actors, or singers, or in one case the host of some sort of Entertainment Tonight-style celebrity news program (it never dawned on me that this was a thing people aspired to; I always assumed Billy Bush wanted to be a newscaster or a game-show host).

In a sense, this latest season is a refreshing breath of honesty. But, in another sense, it means the people in the house are even more annoying self-involved assholes than usual.

Take 24-year-old Kimberly, a South Carolinian vying to be the next Liza Gibbons. In a recent episode, while ranting about strippers, she essentially berated all poor people for being unable -- or, in her view, unwilling -- to lift themselves out of poverty. "I mean, people can work at McDonald's. McDonald's is always hiring," she said with disgust. When one of her housemates pointed out that "sometimes people need to make more money than McDonald's pays," she scoffed and said "I just don't know why people want everything handed to them. What ever happened to hard work?" Then she reclined on the art-deco couch paid for by MTV, finished her Mai Tai and started thinking about which bar to embarrass her entire family in that night.

Then there's 20-year-old Brianna, a self-described "Philly girl," which apparently means dancing at a strip club fashioned from an old double-wide and getting called back from California because she's got a warrant out for her arrest stemming from a domestic with her boyfriend. Fellow cast member Will travels with her to Philly and, while she's dangling upside down from a pole, he tells us in an earnest voice-over that "if Brianna can work her stuff out, she's clearly got a lot of talent." Indeed.

Finally, perhaps the worst person to ever be on The Real World -- a tall order, considering the show's past collection of misfits and malcontents -- 24-year-old Joey, a bodybuilder and wanna-be actor who ends up leaving the show to check into rehab. Only I'm not sure I'm buying his "alcoholic" shtick. I have friends who are alcoholics -- hell I'm a little bit of an alcoholic -- and alcoholics don't drink Red Bull vodkas all night followed up by a couple unidentifiable pink things and half a bottle of white zinfandel. Or maybe Joey is just the biggest pussy in drunkland -- he'll be somebody's rehab bitch in no time. 

Joey's real problem, like most of the other Real Worlders, is being self-involved to the point of insanity. Joey just happens to take it even further than usual: he's gone beyond the Dustin Diamond level of self-involvement and flown right into Terrell Owens Land. At one point, he tells a female roommate that "of course [he'd] like to be eating cake and relaxing," but he's a real man because he dedicates himself to his body (i.e., does a thousand bicep curls a day, wears sleeveless button-down-collar shirts and spends twenty minutes each morning on his faux-hawk). "That's what a real man does!" he shouts. "That's what responsibility is all about!"

Then, later that night, he gets girl-drink-drunk and comes home screaming at his roommates, pounding on the walls with his giant meathooks, finishing off all the booze in the fridge, telling the random girl he brought home to make him an omelet ("You better be making more than three eggs," he says. "I'm a man! I need more than three eggs!") Then his behavior not-so-gradually morphs from annoying to frightening, as he threatens to punch a few of the girls' skulls in, then packs up his bags and screams for the producers to let him go home. At 8:00 a.m. he's still at it, while two of the women huddle in the corner ("I hope he doesn't see us," one of them says. "If he sees us, I think he really might beat us up.") and his one-night-stand gives the camera a horrifying look as she sneaks out. Finally the producers intervene, and we watch as they convince him to check in for help. "You'd do that for me, bro?" he says, near tears, "You care about me enough you'd do that for me?"

On the plus side, I think Celebrity Rehab may already have its next star.

5.11.2008

Link of the Week: Finding your inner child...

Okay, I know this is no "Smell Yo' Dick," but not every Link of the Week can be highly hysterical. In fact, this week's link isn't funny at all--not exactly--but it's seriously fascinating. It's a site where people are challenged to upload two photographs: one of themselves as children, and another recent photo in which they tried--as exactly as possible--to recreate the childhood photograph as adults.

Young Me / Me Now

There's something about these pictures that gets to me--they're eerie, but they're also sort of moving. Maybe it's the fear of aging that's so spooky--seeing the child's face in the adult's. In particular, the pictures of parents and their children got to me. (Which is fitting, I suppose, on this Mother's Day.) But some are just fucking funny--especially people recreating baby photos or pictures with their siblings in funny matching outfits. One dude was wearing this Cheerios shirt as a little kid, and must have ransacked the thrift stores because he found the same shirt for his recreation. In another photo, three middle-aged brothers wear the superman outfits they sported in a picture of them as very little boys.

But hey, fear not, the real Jessica (who likes ridiculous humor about all things kitsch, ghetto and retarded) will return next week. I promise.

And Happy Mother's Day to all you brave moms out there!


...

Happy Mother's Day, Fools

To sum it up...

Cities: Marseilles, Paris, Brussels, Dublin, Glasgow, London

Number of shows: 7
Total number of NC shows I've seen: 18
Number of times I've been in the front: 16
People I met and will keep in touch with: Sandra, Alberick, Caroline, Susan, Ingrid, Paolo, Yuka, Hanne, Paul, and others
Old friends I ran into: Eva
Cute boys I met: Too many to list
Number of afterparties: 1
Favorite show: Second night in London
Best part of trip: Brussels airport
Number of times I had to flee from groping foreigners: 2
Nights I went without a wink of sleep in this 2-week period: 3
Number of set-lists scored: 2

5.09.2008

How Does My Ass Look in This Dress (oh yeah, and there's some kind of bad thing happening in burma or something)? Does It Look Big? Sexy? Awesome!

In the Worst Idea Ever category, here's a public service announcement by Kim Kardashian and her not-hot sisters about the situation in Burma. For real.



I think the video speaks for itself. Worst. Idea. Ever.

In my real job I do internet consulting for nonprofits, and I thought I'd seen some terrible ideas, but this is pretty much the most terrible, idiotic, poorly done, half-smart idea I've ever heard. Who thought this up? Ashton Kutcher? Seriously, the situation over there is totally fucked, and maybe some earnest talking points, with images of the devastation, would have raised a few bucks. Even if it was a big-assed retard famous for sex tape who was doing the talking. That's how fucked that situation is.

But all this is going to accomplish is a hilarious 30 seconds of content for The Soup.

Man, what a bunch of retards.

But seriously, Kim, you do look good in that dress.

5.08.2008

Went

to the after-party tonite.  Nick not there, but all the other seeds were.


I'm a fucking rock star NOW!

Nobody believed me when I said they seemed like a crazy cult

A group of Ron Paul supporters is looking to establish some off-the-grid gated communities where they can "live by the ideals of freedom and liberty."

"These communities are not for the faint at heard (sic) they will start as undeveloped land in non city locals, as this is the way to secure large tracts of land needed for these efforts."

Residents of Paulville will get access to utilities -- electricity, gas, water -- but they won't be forced to use them. If they so choose, they can power their homes via wind turbine, solar panel, or pure unadulterated crazy.

He turned me into a newt!



From the state of Walt Disney and the Magic Kingdom comes this story, whose headline tells you pretty much everything you need to know. Florida Substitute Teacher Fired, Accused of Wizardry:

A Florida teacher may have to pull an unemployment check out of his hat after performing magic in front of students, according to reports.

Jim Piculas said he made a toothpick disappear and reappear in front of students at the Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes, Fla., Local6.com reported. He said he later got a call from the supervisor of teachers, saying he had been accused of wizardry.

"I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, 'Jim, we have a huge issue. You can't take any more assignments. You need to come in right away,'" he told Local6.com.

Piculas said he’s concerned the incident may prevent him from being considered for future jobs.




BURN HIM!

Okay, and now I've officially hit today's limit for Monty Python-related nerdiness.

But seriously, that story is true. Sometimes I forget exactly how far away Florida is from me.

5.07.2008

More Cover Magic

Last week, I posted links to a couple cover songs I really liked, in the category of "covers that make you appreciate a song you never fully appreciated before."


This week, a new category: indie-rock-approved covers of songs you never wanted to admit you liked, but totally liked even though they were supposedly "lame." Take that Ted Leo version of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" that made its way around the Interwebs a while back --  it's the same song, sung pretty much non-ironically, but somehow you're allowed to dig on the Ted Leo version, maybe even sing along with it, while still maintaining your hipster street cred? 

It's bullshit, is I guess what I'm saying. Just admit that Kelly Clarkson kinda rocks, okay? We all see your skinny black jeans tucked into a pair of circa-1984 pink-and-green Nike hi-tops -- nobody's saying you've lost the right to mope around the bar and drink PBR tallboys.While you're at it, you can go ahead and admit you know all the words to Journey's "Open Arms," too. And you know what else? If you like Marc Broussard singing "Poo Corner," then goddammit, you just like "Poo Corner," you sappy son of a bitch.

Anyway, here's a link to a song I'm not afraid to admit I like, in both the original and cover version: