One Sentence Reviews of the New Television Season

Skpping ahead a day...one sentence reviews of some of the new television season:

Alias: Ah shit, she’s pregnant – well, that was pretty good while it lasted (but maybe this will at least dissuade JJ Abrams from going again to that dried out “Rimbaldi/Evil Derevko Sister” plotline he keeps crawling back to like Tara Reid to an open bar).

The Apprentice: Same old, same old, getting kind of, uh, old.

The Apprentice, Martha Stewart: “You just don’t fit in” is the worst catchphrase since “wha’ happened” and somehow this spinoff manages, in just one episode, to be more stale than the original.

Arrested Development: Still fucking fantastic.

CSI: Amish: This show, following the fascinating work and private lives of Amish crime scene investigators, is the best, most groundbreaking CSI since CSI: Scranton; Keanu Reeves work as brilliant and conflicted, zipper-phobic, quilt-obsessed lead investigator, Detective Elmer “Beechy” Beechy, is among his best.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: See above, Arrested Development.

Daily Show: Somehow the best comedy on TV is also the best news show on TV.

Desperate Housewives: if you still care then you failed to notice last year that this show, despite a handful of (extremely well advertised/publicized) inspired moments (Bree on trying to kill her husband: “well I feel badly about that”), really isn’t very interesting, funny, dramatic, compelling, or, uh, good.

Everybody Hates Chris: Pretty good, if a little “sitcom-y” sitcom about Chris Rock’s early years.

Extras: It’s not The (BBC) Office, but its still Ricky Gervais, and watching him put his foot in his mouth and try to extract it is, apparently, funny in any environment.

Family Guy: See above, Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Ghost Whisperer: Jennifer Love Hewitt talks to ghosts (and I think that statement speaks for itself) in a crappy show that manages to rip of a TV show and a book at the same time.

Head Cases: This legal dramady starring Chris O’ Donnell as The Normal One and Adam “The Hebrew Hammer” Goldberg as the Crazy One is sure to be around for a long, long -- what’s that you say? -- oh, never mind, it got canceled already.

How I Met Your Mother: The new season must totally suck suck sucking suck-suck if this show, which is basically a watered down smoothie made from Friends and The Single Guy (that’s right, the show is so bad that it absolutely demands Single Guy references), and, well, all of those Friends rip-offs that they foisted on us in the nineties (anybody remember any of those by name? it’s practically a drinking game category in and of itself), is anywhere near anybody’s lists of best news shows.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (okay, this isn’t new, but nobody out there watched it, right?): Acerbic, politically incorrect, occasionally just boring and disjointed, occasionally really funny series about a bunch of twentysomething slackers who buy a bar in Philadelphia and get into wacky hijinks with titles like “Charlie Has Cancer,” “The Gang Gets Racist,” “Charlie Wants an Abortion,” and “Charlie Gets Molested.” If I had another sentence it would say: “Sorry Charlie.” If I had one more it would say: “Ha ha.”

Lost: Starting to feel a little like Twin Peaks, what with the apparitions talking backwards, new characters leaking in to jazz up season two, and that crazy dude in the hatch and all, but let’s hope that unlike David Lynch’s early nineties detective show, which was really, really great for one season and one season only, the people behind Lost actually know what’s going on.

NFL: The Redskins improbable, undefeated start has saved me the horror of having my team’s games announced by Brian Baldinger and/or Tim Green...for the time being (oh, and what’s with all the shit going on at these games lately? If I want to sacrifice my self-respect and go to a Jessica Simpson concert, I’ll go to a Jessica Simpson concert).

Numb3rs: Dude, they totally solve crimes with math.

Quiznos Commercials: Talking babies, way creepy.

The Office: Still no match for the original, but the American version wisely capitalizes on Steve Carrell’s sweet/goofy performance in The 40 Year Old Virgin by playing down the snarky factor and letting some of the melancholy that pulled its BBC cousin along, at least in the first episode, which is the best so far.

Rome: HBO’s pretty good Roman drama is worth it if only to watch Polly Walker as Atia, basically playing the The OC’s Julie Cooper in ancient Rome (uncannily accurate character description from HBO’s website: she is “snobbish, willful, and cunning. She is also sexually voracious and totally amoral”).

Simpsons: Still on, still funny, just not as funny as it used to be.

Taradise: Let’s hope America is up for another Family Guy style fight, because word has it that E is set to pull the plug on this train wreck, which stars train wreck Tara Reid (in what used to be called “Wild On”) partying in train wreck fashion across the globe in such a vacuous, stupid, and incredibly watchable way that this just might be the most entertaining show on TV right now.

Veronica Mars: Everybody who loved Buffy loves Veronica Mars and yes, that is a very, very good thing.

Still waiting for…Man Versus Beast III. Celebrity Boot Camp II: Private Coolio’s Revenge.

Please come back, Dave Chappelle.


joe said...

What was wrong with The Single Guy?

Mike said...

What, no snarky comments about The OC? I made TMC watch his first-ever episode the other night (or so he says; I suspect he's been watching all along) and it was surprisingly easy to bring him up to speed on all the characters: See, she's sort of an alcoholic, when it's convenient to the plot, and is the only one who's actually a teenager even though she totally looks forty. That woman's just a complete bitch. He lost the family's money in some bad investment scheme, and that guy's gonna have him whacked. That dude used to live in a bad neighborhood, but then he was rescued by Adam Brody's dad but sometimes he still likes to punch things and/or people. Superdad. Drunk mom. They're dating in real life, and I bet they're just as annoyingly cutesy when they're off-script.

Also, I'd like to note that one of the guys on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (I don't remember the characters' names) looks just like Joe.

TMC said...

things would have been much easier for me if Mike hadn't mentioned me watching The OC.

But, boy, after watching that seamless and subtle cross-promotion on Monday Night Football tonight when Geena Davis (dressed exactly like Al Michaels and with a surprisingly deep voice) just happened to swing by the MNF announcing booth, I can't wait to watch Commander-in-Chief.

See, it's your traditional government-type drama, possibly a West Wing ripoff, but there's a twist...
The president is-- get this-- a woman!

I guess I shouldn't complain much about her being in the booth, though, because at least it kept George Lopez out of there.

aaron said...

Mike, good call. I watched that show once and thought that too. But then there was a commercial I saw where I thought the dude looked like Joe. So maybe I'm seeing Joe everywhere, all around me...even in my dreams...

dave said...

I forgot about the OC, because I am currently spending as much of my time as possible in TARADISE.

The thing I wanted to mention about the OC is that I'm now drinking as much as possible because I'm trying to get myself shipped off to the Hot Blond Housewife Coastal Rehab Facility, with Kirsten and the hot alien from Star Trek, where all the drunks are hot MILFs dressed in versace lounging on the shores of the Pacific, and nobody smokes or even drinks coffee and everybody is kind of quietly witty and contrite about the fact that they are, when its convenient to the plot, and at least for three weeks during sweeps, absolute stark raving drunks.

joe said...

Oh and by the way, Dave, you screwed up in your description of The Office. The actor's name isn't Steve Correll. It's "The 40 Year Old Virgin-Steve Correll." If you keep ignoring the goddamn memos from publicity we're going to stop sending them to you.

aaron said...

And it's Steve Carell, damn it!

Mike said...

Dave, these descriptions are great, incidentally. I wish there were some way I could pipe in your brief reviews to my digital cable, so when I hit the "info" button for a show, I could get your snarky review and decide whether to watch it or not. It would be much more useful than the info they actually give.