9.16.2005

Press Release of the Week: the Olsens clone themselves

Just when you thought the Olsen twins were finally disappearing into the pop culture ether -- both figuratively (as their transition to more "adult" roles has been a bit rocky) and literally (as a steady diet of water and nose candy has further shrunk their already elfin frames) -- the Olsen Empire is expanding, with a new set of pre-teen twins coming into the fold.

Cole and Dylan Sprouse -- who you may recognize from their tag-team job as Adam Sandler's adopted son in Big Daddy -- aren't exactly household names. But that's all about to change, if Mary Kate and Ashley have their way.

Dualstar, the Olsen twins' production company and the people behind "the flagship marykate-andashley brand," have taken on Cole and Dylan as clients and rechristened them as "D.C. Sprouse." Because, as anyone knows, being a movie or television star is no longer enough. If you want real success, the kind of success that involves bathing in a tub filled with hundred dollar bills, what you need to do is create a brand. That way, consumers can enjoy all sorts of products licensed with your name: clothing, albums, facial products, perfumes, video games, prophylactics, hemmorrhoid creams. Once your brand has penetrated America's subconscious, the sky's the limit.

"Dualstar will be identifying opportunities in the teen market to develop strategic brand and entertainment campaigns for the D.C. Sprouse brand as well as Cole Sprouse and Dylan Sprouse, respectively. While seeking to license the rights for trend-right and appropriate consumer products for teen boys and girls, the company will restructure an online destination for the D.C. Sprouse brand, which, akin to its www.mary-kateandashley.com, will offer a broader lifestyle environment appealing to their existing and new fans from all over the world."

Let me translate that from marketer-speak to plain English: If you think Mary Kate and Ashley were/are obnoxious, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Cole and Dylan -- or, excuse me, "D.C. Sprouse" -- will make you long for the days of Full House reruns and straight-to-video titles like How the West Was Fun.

"'Cole, Dylan and the D.C. Sprouse brand are a perfect fit with Dualstar as we begin to move our company into the next phase of business development and expansion,' adds Mary-Kate Olsen."

Mary-Kate's use of the term "next phase" makes me nervous. Is it just me, or does that sound a little too much like cult talk or war planning? Perhaps the Dualstar brand will round up all of America's teenaged twins, teach them to use firearms and then unleash them on an unsuspecting population. Sure it sounds crazy. But when Mary-Kate and Ashley have wrested control of our nation's capital and rebranded us all as their minions, I'll be the one saying "I told you so."

4 comments:

Josh Maday said...

I think I'm going to wait to have children. When they can genetically engineer my very own set of adorable, indentical twins with a penchant for singing and dancing and making mass quantities of low-quality movies to fill ol' dad's pocket book so he can quit working and focus on keeping them from getting morbidly obese like the lazy children they'll be entertaining and designing too-small clothes for--then I think I might be ready for the whole fatherhood thing.

dave said...

That is terrifying news. Can we now, finally dispell the notion that the Olsen Twins are hot, by the way? The combination of post-puberty and cocaine and bulimia, along with the penchant for dressing like seventies era bag ladies, have not done them well.

TMC said...

Dave, I'm right on board with your Olsen bashing. I confess that for a brief period two years ago, I got caught up in the hype about the Olsen twins being hot, but I've since seen the gross error of my ways.

Now, if you want to talk about a child actress who turned hot, I don't think anyone will disagree in the case of Lacey Chabert.

Sadly, Kimmie Gibbler never quite measured up to those standards.

greg seimler said...

I think you're just freaks who hate people being more admired than you. I can see why people DON'T admire you. Dylan and Cole (note I didn't say D.C. Sprouse, you jerks) Sprouse are talented!! You're just jealous that they're talented and ur not!