Press Release of the Week: People love sugar, exorcisms and George Lopez

At any given moment, there are thousands of scientific studies and tests taking place, and most of them have noble goals: finding a cure for cancer, building better artificial limbs, creating an over-the-counter medicine that will allow old people to eat Indian food without getting the trots.

Then there are the studies that make you scratch your head. Like the one recently performed by the C&H Pure Cane Sugar Company, which found that -- prepare to be blown away by the wonder of scientific discovery -- people prefer food made with sugar!

"Consumers who participated in blind taste tests of pound cake and brownies baked with pure cane sugar, Splenda and Splenda Blend, overwhelmingly agreed that those made with pure cane sugar were superior in taste, texture and appearance."

And to all those people who want to watch their weight? "Renowned pastry chef" Emily Luchetti has some words of wisdom for the fatties: "Why would you want to sacrifice the taste of something you love just to save a few calories?"

Thanks, Emily. Remind me not to call you the next time I decide to give up smoking.

Then there's this peculiar online survey, which found that 66.03% of people believe in demonic posession, 61.4% believe in the devil and 64.26% believe in "supernatural forces." I say "peculiar" because roughly 2% of the survey respondents apparently believed people were being posessed, but not by either "the devil" or "supernatural forces." This is what we call a statistical anomoly, but instead of seeking to explain it, the fine people at Screen Gems just encourage us to go see their new movie, The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

I wish every movie would release a subject-themed poll. That way we could find out how many people in the country believe in Jesus (The Passion of the Christ), alien invasions (War of the Worlds), and completely implausible romances between self-absorbed, cliche-ridden characters (Must Love Dogs).

Finally, I have to mention this press release because I love George Lopez. Mostly, I love how George Lopez seems to have a standing invitation to join Monday Night Football's Al Michaels and John Madden in the booth (Sample dialogue: "Hey John, look who it is! Our good pal George Lopez! Star of ABC's smash hit The George Lopez Show, Tuesdays at 8:00 pm! Only on ABC!")

Looks like George will finally have something new to promote when he drops by the booth: gambling. Because George Lopez now has his own line of penny slots. But it's not just the George Lopez name that players will see as they sit before the machines, dropping their hard-earned pennies down the chute with a glazed look in their eyes from the flourescent lights and free watered-down cocktails:

"Lopez fans will recognize symbols and graphics that reflect his whirlwind southern California lifestyle, including golf clubs, cigars, and his trademark sunglasses."

On a personal note, if any of you have a nagging cough and sore throat and were thinking about trying out Vick's 44D, I have some words of wisdom for you: go easy on the dosage. Just a couple hours ago, my pupils were the size of nickels and I was curled up in the fetal position flashing back to a bad experience in 2000 that involved something called "red rocks" that was given to me in a concert parking lot by a teenaged kid who looked like he'd just crawled down from the hills of Appalachia. Apparently Vicks gives you that measuring cup for a reason.