Sometimes thinking too hard makes my tiny brain hurt

I stumbled upon this Chris Martin quote near the end of an article about a recent Coldplay live performance. Apparently it was taken from some between-song banter:

"If we looked like Mariah Carey, we'd sell 25 times as many records, which would be a lot," Martin said, smiling as he added, "and we'd be able to sleep with people like Tom Cruise."

I find this confusing on so many levels. Would everyone in the band have to look like Mariah Carey, or just Chris Martin? Or would the bandmates be glommed together into one huge, beast-like Carey that would roam the countryside singing mournful pop tunes and devouring human babies?

Would Coldplay also be required to sound like Carey, or would it be Chris Martin’s voice coming out of the daisy-duke-wearing Carey Beast?

For Coldplay to sell 25 times as many records, would every single person in the world have to own a copy of X&Y? Haven’t they already sold something like a gazillion copies?

And what’s with the Tom Cruise thing? Would that be considered a step up, a step down, or a lateral move, considering Martin’s already sleeping with Gwynnie? Maybe it’s just that the Carey Beast doesn’t roll with the ladies, so he’d have to swap Paltrow for a dude?

But if Coldplay became Carey, it seems they’d have to sleep with Eddie Murphy, or Eminem, or maybe 50 Cent, who told Loaded magazine that Eminem was supposed to hook him up with Mariah:

"Eminem said that he was finished with Mariah and that I could, you know, I thought I was gonna hit that. And then he didn't hook me up, so I ain't really happy with him right now."

So there's your trade-off, Chris Martin. You can become the Carey Beast, get big boobs and smooth skin and maybe top the pop charts, but only if you're willing to be Eminem and Fitty's toss-around sex toy.

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