So over the weekend, the Contrarian and his spouse endured the new film Kiss, Kiss, Bang Bang, which was a mixed bag, to put it mildly.
The film was narrated by Robert Downey, Jr.'s character, a petty New York thief who is in Los Angeles to film a screen test and, a la the novels of Raymond Chandler, gets immediately hooked up in a web of deceit, and is forced to help out a damsel in distress. He teams up with a gay detective played by Val Kilmer to solve the case.
Pluses: it was different. It tried to be different. It had actual performances by actual actors. Val Kilmer did not seem as if he was insane.
Minuses: There was a narrator, at least in the first 10 and last 2 minutes of the movie. But then it disappeared.
It got me to thinking that we Barrelhousers need a film manifesto. The dos and don'ts, the yeas and nays, if you will. So here goes some Nos.
No more dancing Christopher Walken. We git it.
No more biopics of dead singer-songrwriters. I'm still waiting for the Harry Chapin film.
No more Batmans. In fact, no more comic book novels.
No more films based on 1970s television series.
11.28.2005
And Robert Downey Starring as Robert Downey
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6 comments:
Excellent topic. Here's my contribution to the rules.
No more remakes of movies that weren't that good the first time around.
No more talking babies.
No wise or wisecracking children.
Use of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" will be limited to one movie and/or movie trailer per year. Interested directors or studios should submit an essay along with a substantial bribe to the Aaron Pease Project, which will vet all such requests.
More Sasquatch.
Hey comedies -- let's not get ourselves all worked up about "the plot" or "resolving the plot." Be funny. We are simple, simple folk, and that is enough for us.
No more Ashton Kutcher. Seriously. None. No more. We shant be working together again.
Unless you're making Glitter 2, no more pop stars.
No musicals, unless they star cartoon characters or puppets and are produced by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
More puppet sex scenes.
More documentaries. But less about children.
No more old men romancing young girls. As promising as that makes imminent old man-hood seem, it's still creepy.
No more Tim Allen Christmas movies.
More Mike Judge. More Charlie Kauffman. More Spike Jonze. More Richard Linklater. More Jack Black.
More Swayze.
Much, much more Swayze.
Which brings me to this overlooked, yet obvious series of canards:
No scene with teenagers rhythmically clapping.
To pile on Dave's idea, no simple redemptions...to me, what ruined the Wedding Crashers was the idea that Owen Wilson had to "learn a lesson." This is almost as cringeworthy as when folks at Iowa used to read a short story and say, "But where's the epiphany."
More Luke Wilson, less Owen Wilson.
Can we abolish the current Hollywood rule that Ben Stiller must appear in at least 25% of all movies made every year?
Also, no more movies based on SNL skits. They suck, and they make the show suck, because losers like Jimmy Fallon are desperately trying to come up with a joke they can run into the ground for 95 minutes in a feature film. And it NEVER works. Hell, I love the Brian Fellow skits, but I would probably feed myself to a shark before going to see a Brian Fellow movie.
more ruffalo, crudup, and (maggie) gyllenhaal
less witherspoon. in fact, make that no witherspoon.
no more fat suits
more fat actors and actresses
no more sports films about an inspiring coach
no more partners for jackie chan.
unless it's joe killiany, i'd pay to see joe solving crimes with jackie chan.
i'd like to submit the idea that there be a list of actors and directors one never ever ever remakes the work of... piggy backing on the 'psycho' mentioning:
hitchcock
peter sellers (damn you new pink panther)
wim wenders (i call to the stand 'city of angels' a horrible bastardisation of the wonderful 'wings of desire')
No more movies in which Michael Caine uses an American accent.
No more movies in which Richard Gere uses any accent at all.
No more movies about sports teams composed of a bunch of rag tag rebels--one over the hill, one young/inexperienced, one an ex con, and another with some sort of developmental disability--who we don't see practicing much but who somehow win/just lose the big game in the end. This goes double if the team in question is made up of people under the age of 20.
No more movies with Will Ferrel in the lead role (i.e., Anchor Man, Elf and Bewitched)--he's fine when supporting other people, though (Old School, Zoolander, etc.).
Move Vince Vaugh, less Luke Wilson.
More movies where Adam Sandler tries a little.
More directors who see that there's more to imitating Tarrantino then just a lot of people getting shot.
More directors who watch foriegn movies, and no, seeing The 400 Blows one time on cable doesn't count.
The reason so many SNL skits (especially the ones that were barely funny as skits) get made into 86-minute films is because of Lorne Michaels. Each featured performer on SNL signs a contract to provide services to, you guessed it, Lorne Michaels. There is no arrangement with NBC; what's worse is that if these films get green-lighted, they are produced by, yep, Lorne Michaels.
Typical pay for an SNL cast member for a movie like this--union scale.
No more Lorne Michaels movies, or TV. Please.
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