Press Release of the Week: What Would Jesus Buy?

Well, kiddies, it's the holidays, and you know what that means, right? Shopping, and lots of it! Proving your love to others by buying them lots of expensive crap.

That is, unless a group calling itself The Church of Stop Shopping has its say. The "church," which has been on a nationwide Stop the Shopocalypse tour, thinks Christmas is becoming too much about the shopping and not enough about some dude named "Jesus," who apparently was born in a manger on Dec. 25 many, many years ago and preached a bunch of confusing sermons and bought his friends and relatives really chintzy gifts.

"'When people get trampled for a $300 computer at Wal-Mart, when everyone wants to smell like J.Lo, and when even the Pope declares Christmas is polluted by consumerism, we are witnessing the Shopocalypse!" exclaimed Reverend Billy (a.k.a. Bill Talen) on Chicago's Magnificent Mile."

I guess I can't really argue with that. In my own personal visions of the Apocalypse, the rivers run red with the blood of the infidels, the moon goes black and everyone smells exactly like J. Lo.

Apparently Reverend Billy and his crew recently brought their Scrooge-like message to shoppers at the Mall of America. "What I want to know is, 'What Would Jesus Buy?' Would he wait in line at 5 AM to get a new X-Box 360 or drive his SUV cross-town to get 13 pairs of panties for a dollar? Last time I checked, it was his birthday we were supposed to be celebrating: why in the world is everyone else getting presents?"

Wait a minute, Rev. Billy. First of all, isn't Jesus like all magic and shit? Does he really have to wait in line for anything? My guess is, Jesus just pulls some old Play Station 2 out of a dumpster, waves his little magic God wand all over it and POOF: XBox 360.

Second of all, why is Jesus buying cheapo panties? What, sir, are you implying about our Lord and Savior? That he's some kind of pervy sniffer of women's drawers? Because maybe you're been watching too many late-night movies and should just stop your blasphemy right now before Jesus shoots down a magic lightning bold and strikes you dead.

And third of all, if Christmas is Jesus' birthday, and each of us has Jesus in our souls, then shouldn't each of us be getting presents to celebrate the birthday of the tiny Jesus in our souls? See, Rev. Billy, you may think we're buying each other cardigans and jewelry and shiny new Lexi topped with gigantic bows because we're greedy. But you are wrong. We're just gifting our tiny internal Jesuses. Because otherwise tiny Jesus gets sad, and lonely, and then he cries.

Oh, and if you're reading this, Mom and Dad, my tiny Jesus would really like an ipod Nano.