Festivus is here! And that means it's the perfect time for the perfect Barrelhouse group post: The Airing of the Grievances.
I'll get things started. Here's just a sampling of the things that are bugging the shit out of me this year (note that some of these have been elaborated upon in great detail in earlier posts, but, given that this is the holiday season, it seemed appropriate to air them again).
Radio: When was the last time you turned on your radio -- not your satellite radio, not KEXP on your computer, but the actual radio radio -- and heard something that didn’t totally suck? There's a reason people are turning away from traditional (music) radio: because it sucks. It really, really sucks. Special shout out to DC radio, which has to be the worst in the country.
Nicole Ritchie: She's not remotely good-looking or talented or interesting. So why is she all over my goddam Us Weekly?
Britney and K-Fed: Pretty much same as above. Although I have to admit I'm really looking forward to the K-Fed rap album. And also for the divorce. And the rehab. And the K-Fed appearance on the Surreal Life.
The War on Christmas: Does not exist. I'm so sick of hearing about this bullshit, the same kind of fake oppression that got out the homophobe vote last November. Special shout out to my parents' pastor: its especially hard to believe Christmas is under attack in a place that's 95% white christian and 4% white amish.
Fox: Cancelled Arrested Development. Assholes. Special shout out to the American viewer, who turned away from a smart, funny, fresh, great show. Assholes.
Hard Rock Kitsch: It's killing me every time I see a Bob Dylan t-shirt in Bloomingdales, or an AC/DC shirt in Macy's. Something is very very wrong with this. Every time a 12 year old girl buys a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt from Urban Outfitters, we all are diminished in some way.
USA: Can you believe the shit that went down this year? War. Torture. Domestic spying. Environmental rape (that nobody even noticed because the rest of the shit is so bad). Cronyism. Corruption. Coverups. New Orleans. Wow. Hell of a year.
Memoirs: There was a good discussion on this a week ago in this space. To paraphrase Mike, is all you have to do to get a book contract have a shitty childhood or drug riddled adulthood?
Desperate Housewives: Is no good. Finallly, it seems like people are noticing this. Which means in about three years the Golden Globes will stop nominating every single one of the "housewives" for best acress in a comedy. Special shout out to Felicity Huffman, who is great in everything but plays the worst mother ever on this show (special bonus shout out to the notion that having a whole shitload of kids and then being all hassled and hurried and bedraggled is like some kind of badge of honor that everybody should be grateful to you for -- you had the kids, you knew what you were getting into, you're on your own).
SNL: Sucks. Again. Really bad this time.
Tom Cruise: Is insane. Which is funny, but this shit with Brooke Shields and the psychiatry is just plain crazy and kind of dangerous when you realize there are morons out there who might be even marginally influenced by Tom Cruise.
Movie remakes: Stop it already.
Jim Carrey: Stop making that face. Why you gotta make that face at me, man? Seriously. Can we stop rewarding this guy and let him go all Michael Jackson already.
Ashlee Simpson: Sucks. Has no talent. Thinks she's a rocker. And doesn't look as much like Barbie as her sister. She is every single thing that is wrong with music, the radio, MTV, and the rest of the corporate rock machine.
Dr. Phil: This fat bastard is telling us all we need to slim down and getting rich selling crap to morons. Does anything about that sentence make any sense?
Brownie: He really did do a heck of a job, didn't he?
Beer Commercials: Mike had a great post awhile back about the commercials that were bothering him. With the exception of the new "lawyer" commericals for Miller Lite ("That's no scientist. That's Gene Simmons of KISS!"), beer commercials got even more stupid this year. First Coors claimed to be "cold-tasting" and nobody seemed to notice that cold is not, in fact, a taste. They also sent that asshole Pete Coors up to his fake mountain again and had him make inane comments that aren't remotely true ("sometimes we see the perfect tree...and then we just leave it alone"). Then Budweiser created a new label and called itself "Select" and put some uncomfortable looking dude out there to make a bunch of meaningless statements. Again, nobody seemed to notice or care. Which is probably good.
Chappelle: Dude, you had the best show on TV. And now we’ll never see another Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories. It’s not that I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m disappointed. Bummer.
We're an angry bunch. I know you've got some grievances. Air them!
12.22.2005
Tis the Season (for the Airing of the Grievances)
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2 comments:
As someone who has occasionally been labelled as angry (by "occasionally," I mean "frequently," by the way) This is my kind of topic.
Let me add five to the list, one of which shouldn't be a shock to anyone:
1. Terrell Owens/Drew Rosenhaus- Like you didn't see this one coming. I hate both of you more than genital warts. Bastards.
And, yes, I have Drew's cell phone number and have called it drunkenly on several non-consecutive occasions.
2. The MTV shows "Next" and "Room Raiders"-- more scripted and contrived than most reality TV (seriously, why does every room raiders end in a fucking hot tub?) which is extraordinarily insulting to our intelligence. Oh, and I have completely lost faith in all people who aren't me, thanks to the folks they highlight on these shows. Sample intro for some girl named Sabrina on "Next" today: "I'm Sabrina. Some things I'm good at. Some things I suck at. And some things I'm good at sucking at."
3. Tofurkey, Veggie dogs, garden burger, and all other vegetarian foods that are still inexplicably presented as looking like meat-- what's the point? be vegetarian if you like; that just leaves more animal carcass for me. But who are you kidding when you get some squash and shape it like a beef heart before throwing it on the grill? Do you not miss the taste of meat, but really miss the shape of it? I'm fine with vegetables, but I never wish that my pound of ground beef would look like an ear of corn. I don't get a ham steak and then meticulously sculpt it into the shape of a carrot. So why do you bother making your food look like meat products? You're not fooling anybody.
4. People who think that reading (or, often, skimming and just carrying) The Believer, McSweeney's, Franzen, Marcus, Moody, Eggers, et al. makes them deeper and/or more interesting, as if through osmosis they could absorb the qualities in that writing that makes them interesting. It doesn't make you cool to carry a book around just because you heard from someone else that it's cool, or that they read that book in New York City. It makes you a pretentious loser.
5. All televised debate programs in which volume is rewarded over content, and people are expected to make their point in 30 seconds or less.
I'd only planned on adding two to this list, and here I am at 5. I'll stop now.
I'll add one: when the president interrupts prime time television to string together a bunch of now-meaningless platitudes as if he were a Chatty Cathy doll come to life. Pull the string on his back and hear such popular phrases as: "Terrorists hate freedom." "We've got to fight them there or they'll fight us here." "9/11, 9/11, 9/11!"
At least this week they aired Family Guy uninterrupted after he was done, so I didn't have to throw a shoe through the television. But it still makes me mad.
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