Press Release of the Week: Don't Call It a Comeback

Hello, friends! It's been a while since I traversed the smelly, swampy territories of Public Relations Land, so I was happy to see, upon this week's re-entry, that pretty much nothing has changed. America's wandering hordes of PR droids are still working hard to keep you informed about this country's hottest products and/or services. You've really got to love those guys. What they may lack in honesty, sense of humor or self-awareness they more than make up for in pure gumption and go-gettedness. And if that's not what America is all about, I don't know what is. Git 'er done!

Speaking of America, I can't tell you how disappointed I've been in Hollywood lately. Not because of its crappy, poorly produced big-budget movies, or even the sad breakup of Brad and Jen (though, I did cry. Who didn't?). No, what makes me disappointed in Hollywood is its rampant ANTI-AMERICANISM. Good Night, and Good Luck? More like Journalist With an Agenda Makes It a Bad Night for America, and The Commies Win! Syriana? More like Pollyana! And don't even get me started on those Harry Potter movies. Why don't we just hand out pentagrams to America's schoolchildren and tell them to have fun eschewing Christ and practicing the Dark Arts? Sheesh!

Thankfully, I'm not the only person who's had enough. The appropriately named Michael S. Class, head of the Motion Picture Frame Studio, has established the American Values Award as an alternative to those pinkos and homosexuals who control the Oscars and the Golden Globes.

This year's winner is End of the Spear, about some white Christian missionaries who lived among a savage tribe of uncivilized peoples in Ecuador and got them to stop their killing ways. See, it's a film with a powerful message about love. And God. And how the white folks can have a positive impact on the savage dark-skinned folks if the savage dark-skinned folks will just stop running around like crazies, sit down, and listen!

"Class believes that many of the films being honored by the Golden Globes or the Academy(R) are not reflective of the majority of Americans' tastes or values. He chose End of the Spear for its emphasis on spiritual growth and finding God -- in Whom most Americans do still believe."

Class also selected Cinderalla Man, "a story of commitment to family during the Great Depression"; The Chronicles of Narnia, "a morality play based on the New Testament of the Holy Bible"; The Greatest Game Ever Played, "a story of good sportsmanship"; and -- wuuuh? -- Harry Potter? E tu, Mr. Class? Maybe you think it's a movie about "good triumphing over evil," but in my book, good equals Jesus, not Atheist Magic. For shame, sir! For shame!

Also on the PR front this week is an announcement from AMS, a company that "helps radio stations expand into new markets," to America's radio station owners (all four of them): There is Absolutely No Need to Freak Out, People, Everything Is Absolutely Fine.

According to a survey conducted by AMS, only 12% of Americans are likely to purchase satellite radio to listen to Howard Stern, who recently made the switch to Sirius. Which is hardly anyone at all! Or, well, roughly 35 million people, if the results are extrapolated from the 1,000 survey respondents to the full American population (something AMS claims can be accurately done within 3 percentage points). Which would be a pretty good bost to Sirius' business.

In all, 69% of the survey respondents said they were "not at all likely" to purchase satellite radio in the near future. So congratulations, conventional radio! You've managed to convince more than half of all Americans to do ... well, nothing, I guess.

"We have long suspected that all the national media interest in Stern and satellite radio did not reflect what was going on with the American consumer," said Ed Seeger, President and Chief Executive Officer of American Media Services (AMS), who then drew the shades of his office window before saying "Fire? In the street? I can't see any fire."

AMS also reports on some of what people "liked best about conventional radio," based on the survey. The top two answers? "Local traffic and weather information" and "it's always available when you need it." So, again, congrats, Radio Industry. People like you because you're there! Not always dynamic or interesting, but "around," like that one friend you only hang out with when everyone else is out of town, the one who'll always meet you for a drink because he has absolutely nothing better to do. Huzzah! Way to shoot for the stars!