Lisa Loeb is a Sure Thing if You don't Screw It Up Like You Just Did.

I was stunned to hear not only that Lisa Loeb, The Cutest Woman Ever, had ended her 6-year relationship with Dweezil Zappa, but that she was going to have her own reality show where she tried to find a mate. If I had known that, I would have embarked on my Self Actualization Program sooner, so as to present myself to the adorable Ms. Loeb as Love's fait accompli.

But I have had to settle for watching her show and writing her dozens of letters and emails and faxes that are nearly illegible with passion.

Basically, the show's premise was initially to highlight how desperate Lisa is to find a husband to settle down with and have kids. However, it quickly becomes clear that Lisa Loeb is of such pleasing temperament and personality that she is willing to give literally any guy a chance. And I mean that in a good way. She seems to be at ease with anyone.

In fact, she is so nice and kind and courteous and normal that her dates can't handle it, and they continually screw it up by acting like jerks or taking advantage of her. After two chaste dates, her first contestant planted an item in Page Six about them being a couple in order to promote his book about Festivus. Another date answered 8 cell phone calls and then left early, while a third--an Italian textile heir--just seemed really uncomfortable around women. The fourth guy, whom Lisa rejected because of his age, told her he hated pink, which just so happened to be her favorite color, and made her buy an unpink item at the store. I mean, what girl doesn't like pink and what guy in any sort of committed relationship doesn't have to put up with that?

As the episodes drag on, I hope that Lisa Loeb, the Cutest Woman Ever, will have better luck. But not with me. Because I realize now that my motives aren't pure; I would use her to get myself a recording contract with Sony.