Press Release of the Week: Valentine's Day, Part Deux

First of all, I'd like to mention, without comment, the tagline of today's Jerry Springer Show: "Hillbillies and Gay Men in Shorts."

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, on with the press releases!

My guess is that all you loyal Barrelhouse readers have already cemented your Valentine's Day plans -- drawing, of course, on last week's hot tips -- but in case you're still wondering what to give that special someone in your life, here's a super-sexxxy suggestion from PNC Financial Services: a heart-to-heart talk about your finances!

"This Valentine's Day, the best gift couples can give each other might be a heart-to-heart talk about money and a three-year budget they both can agree on."

According to a PNC survey, when it comes to money, "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus."

Apparently Martians work long hours and try to save their money, whereas Venutians spend their days traipsing around town with the Martians' credit cards, buying ridiculous pointy-toed shoes and fur coats and purse-sized dogs as if dollar bills grow on goddamned trees, and then at night do you think they can maybe break themselves away from Desperate Housewives or The Bachelor: Paris to cook a fucking hot meal or maybe just rub the tired Martian's shoulders during commercial breaks? Is that really so much to ask?

Okay, sorry, I got a little carried away there. Let's just move on.

A dating site specifically for dog lovers doesn't seem like a terrible idea, but perhaps the fine folks at Leashes and Lovers might want to reconsider their name.

And while I guess it's fine to declare a National Impotence Day -- though I imagine that's pretty much the most depressing parade ever -- is it really necessary to make it February 14? That just seems cruel.

In the "questionable study results" category is this press release from Domino's, which claims that if you really want to know whether you're compatible with your mate, you should -- wait for it, wait for it -- order a Domino's pizza! According to Dr. Alan Hirsch, who can pretty much guarantee he'll never be taken seriously in his field ever again, "The Domino's Pizza 'Toppings Tell All' study found a connection exists between pizza topping preference and romantic attractions."

For instance: "If you prefer traditional single-meat toppings like pepperoni, your attraction is for a person who likes a pizza loaded with meat toppings, perhaps because you're attracted to their unbridled zeal and passion." Or perhaps you're just a weirdo who's turned on by the smell of cooked meat.

Finally, what to do after the thrill of Valentine's Day is gone? According to Budweiser: start dating.

"Ah, the holidays! They offer family, food and gifts galore -- potentially the kryptonite of new relationships. Is there a more loaded proposition than trying to buy the perfect gift for someone you hardly know, but definitely want to get to know better? Who in their right mind would start dating someone during this too-intense time period?"

Budweiser has thus declared Feb. 15 the "official start of Dating Season." To celebrate, they allowed the public to vote on the worst pickup lines of all time. Among the winners:

--If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
--Is that a mirror in your pocket, 'cause I can see myself in your pants!
--Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again!
--You must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night!

Really, Budweiser? Is that the best you can do? I've heard worse lines than that tossed around before sundown at The Starboard in Dewey Beach. How about some of these fan favorites?

--What's your favorite dirty talk?
--How'd you like 30 seconds of pleasure followed by a lifetime of regret?
--I'm not sure exactly how it's pronounced, but I believe it's menage.
--It only burns when I pee.

Guys, try any of those winners on your next outing and see results fast! And ladies, you've been warned. Stay in your apartments or houses, Dating Season has officially begun.