Press Release of the Week: The One Where I Go to Hell

When I saw this, my first thought was -- aww, that's cute, the Christians have their own personals site. Apparently it used to be called ChristianMingle, but that name was deemed too unwieldy (or perhaps too obviously religious), and now it's Relationships.com.

Really, what's to make fun of? The Jewish folks have J-Date, and for all I know there are personals sites for Muslims and Buddhists and even the Amish. Why shouldn't Christians be allowed to date others who share their core beliefs?

Except, of course, that Christians make up roughly 77% of the American population, so it shouldn't be too hard to meet another one on, say, Match.com, right? Therefore, it stands to reason that the people signing up for Relationships.com aren't just your run-of-the-mill Christians, the type who go to church every few weeks and put up a Christmas tree in December and every now and then invoke the Lord's name when they stub their toe or contract genital herpes.

This seemed to merit an investigation, so I did a little snooping on the site. Here are some of the ways its members describe themselves and their ideal partners:

"I am looking for a man that will put the Lord before himself and his wife, is stable and a good provider."

Hi, I just flew here from the 1950s, and boy are my arms tired! Please let me cook you a delicious meatloaf and then grit my teeth while assuming the missionary position!

"I am looking for God's man for my life. I don't know if this is where I will find him, but I am willing to put this out there. If you don't have your picture on the site, I won't respond to your mail."

What I really want is a deep and meaningful spiritual connection guided by our mutual love of the Lord. Also, no fatties.

"I'm interested in meeting nice Christian people to diverse in conversation with."

Usually when people use the wrong word, I can at least guess what word they were going for. But in this case I really have no idea.

"Howdy from Oklahoma! I would like to meet a man that loves Jesus with his whole heart!! ;-) Also, for him to be motivated in business and to want to be prosperous to further the kingdom."

The meek need not apply (you ain't inheritin' shit, beeotches!) Who needs to squeeze through the eye of a needle when your Hummer can simply crush the needle to bits?

"Hi there.I am looking for that specail christian girl,who is close to my age,very down to earth and has ups and downs as life does bring."

Ah, life, with the ups and then the downs. Extra points for girls who have "Footprints" taped to their refrigerators and inspirational posters on the wall. If that cat can hang in there, so can we!

"Hello my fellow brothers and sisters, First off my name is Billy I am from PA. I am really just curious but not too much. I do believe that God has someone quite different for me."

I think God has someone quite different for you too, Billy. Unfortunately, that kind of relationship is not endorsed by Relationships.com. Have fun burning in Hell!

"I would like to meet a woman who is on fire for the Lord. A woman who is committed to have the Lord at the center of a relationship. A woman with a servant's heart because mine is."

And people say conservative Christians keep their sexual desires repressed until they're feverishly bubbling up just beneath the surface. Nonsense!

Each profile on Relationships.com also includes a "core color." Since I'm not a member, I couldn't figure out what this color corresponded to. Maybe it moves from yellow to pale blue to dark blue to fire red depending on how desperate a person is? Maybe your color changes once you've thrown God's gift of virginity down the toilet (and changes again if you've recommitted yourself to chastity)? Or maybe Relationships.com is running some kind of March Madness Rapture Pool? Feel free to leave your own guesses in the comments section.