9.22.2006

Press Release of the Week: You Can't Keep a Good Man Down

This feature's been in semi-retirement for some time, but like Brett Favre and Joe Lieberman, Press Release of the Week refuses to bow out without a fight. Let the critics lob their cruel and hurtful and totally unfair missives our way -- You haven't thrown a touchdown pass since the Clinton administration! You lost the damn primary! You're probably a closet Frenchman! PROTW has thick skin, and knows when America needs it -- not to throw beautiful painkiller-fueled post patterns, or to serve as a tool of the glorious Republican leadership, but to report THE TRUTH.

This week's truth is that immigrants are bad news. Sure, your hippie pinko P.C.-loving friends might whine that we're all immigrants, that America is in fact a country of immigrants. But those people don't understand history. See, the immigration they're talking about happened in the past, and it's done. We're all full-up now, thank you very much. If we let in any more people it's going to be a fire hazard, and you all remember what happened at that Great White show, right? Same exact deal.

Also, this new wave of immigrants isn't made up of peace-loving Germans and Italians and British, but of scary brown-skinned people. And as every good God-fearing American knows, brown-skinned people are a Threat to The American Way of Life. They insist on driving little Toyotas and Hondas instead of SUVs of Freedom, and they won't be happy until they've stolen all of our sub-minimum-wage jobs and turned every corner hoagie shop and pizza joint into a taco stand. Actually, those churros are delicious, but that's beside the point. The brown-skinned immigrants are ruining America!

Travis Barrett knows how dangerous the brown-skinned people are, and using "current events and his imagination," this proud patriot has written what I feel safe in calling The Most Important Book of The Twenty-First Century: Strangers.

The novel begins when Good American Jeffrey Thomas opens his door and finds "a strange Latina woman named Imelda standing on his porch with a child in her arms." Jeffrey and his family are suspicious, but "she eventually manipulates her way into the house."

I doubt I need to tell you what comes next. I've seen it a thousand times before.

"Throughout the next two days, other members of Imelda's family trickle into the Thomas house. Soon Imelda's first husband, Arsenio; her son, Lope; and two children that she had with her second husband have filled the house."


They're like seagulls, these brown-skinned immigrants. You throw one of them a few breadcrumbs and pretty soon they've swarmed and started pecking your eyes out.

Imelda's son takes to spray-painting the walls of the house, Imelda tries to seduce Thomas with some kind of Mexican Voodoo, and Imelda's ex-husband, it turns out, is a dangerous murderer and "a follower of Darwinism." That means he's "willing to do anything to ensure the survival of him and his family."

Thomas and his wife do the only thing they can do -- flee the Brown Menace. But they soon discover it's not just their house that's been overtaken by illegal immigrants, but every house in the neighborhood. And not just every house in the neighborhood -- "their entire city has been taken over and more and more immigrants are arriving every day."

All I have to say is THANK GOD someone has finally mustered the courage to write this book. It's like The Birth of a Nation for our modern times, unafraid to strike fear in the hearts of good, God-fearing white people everywhere. A few months ago I read T.C. Boyle's The Tortilla Curtain, hoping he'd be brave enough to tell the truth about illegals, but all I got was a giant serving of White Guilt with a side order of moral relativity.

Of course it should come as no surprise that America's big publishing houses -- all of them bastions of Ivy League, East Coast Liberalism -- practically fellated themselves over The Tortilla Curtain but couldn't handle the truth of Strangers. Luckily, author Barrett, like Favre and Lieberman and PROTW, isn't a quitter. Faced with rejection after rejection, he persevered, eventually settling on self-publisher AuthorHouse.

Barrett is humble about his masterwork:

"[W]hat I have done that I believe is somewhat innovative - but not completely so since Truman Capote did this first in 1966 with In Cold Blood - is to infuse the story with current events, most of which I [read about in] the Los Angeles Times and other newspapers and periodicals."

According to the press release -- and I have no trouble believing it -- Strangers has already received "rave reviews," including a hard-to-win endorsement from the propieters of a web site called Mothers Against Illegal Immigrants.

So go out and buy the book, fellow Barrelhousers, and support this great American. And bolt your doors!

4 comments:

rolldog said...

"Followers of Darwin" couldn't take this place over fast enough for me.

It's hilarious that these dumb crackers can't see past their own bigotry. Latin Americans are as conservative on religious and social issues as white evangelicals, but hey, if you honkies'd rather write racist screeds than build a permanent Republican majority, don't let me stop you.

Wow, that's serendipitous--the randomly-generated word verification for this comment is "jivebs." Sums up the topic (and my contribution) rather neatly.

TMC said...

two things:

1. I love that the kid's name is Arsenio. That name will always make me laugh.

2. Wouldn't the acronym for this entry be PROTW, and not PWOTW? I mean, unless you'vd developed a lisp since the last time I've seen you.

Mike said...

Yeah, yeah. Good catch, Eagle Eye. Though now I've edited it, so your comment will look like the ravings of a lunatic.

TMC said...

damnit.
You've screwed me again, Ingram.