Musings of a Genially Sadistic Dictator

72. The true art of dictatorship is to strike a balance between killing your people at random for the silliest of reasons and killing them for not doing what they are supposed to, showing proper loyalty and deference, that kind of thing. You go too far in the first direction and nothing gets done, too far in the second and they all shape up and it’s just not any fun.

131. One of the really great perks of the job is that anything I say, no matter what it is, or what tone of voice I use, is interpreted to be ominous, sexual, or both. For instance, my tall, portly valet brought me a bowl of cherries, my favorite fruit. As I reached for the mound of goodness, I said, “I will eat the biggest, roundest one first.” My valet’s face fell and he ran from the room and had to be coaxed from a broom closet where he clung to a basin for his dear life. I assured him that, most of the time, I mean what I say, and had him whipped, just a little bit, so that he would remember. Another time one of my most prominent ministers visited me, along with his beautiful teenage daughter, who I had not seen for quite some time as she had been schooling abroad. “My, how you’ve grown,” I said in a fatherly tone, and she immediately stripped off her clothes and threw herself upon me. I tried to dissuade her, but she would have none of it. I felt bad for her father, and told him that he could go, but he froze because I also had a dictum that no one could leave a room that I was present in. No, no, it’s okay, I assured him, this must be embarrassing for you. But he did not budge. The whole affair from start to finish was regrettable, but he benefited immeasurably by watching me in action. I know how to please a woman.

426. Not for nothing, but a fivesome is pushing it.

About the Author: General Commander Poobah Deek Stunner Raj, Holy of all Holies, Gloriousness Itself, Shimmering Mirror That Sees All Destinies, Mountain Atop Which Wisdom Is Gained, Precursor to the Stars, Heavens, and Firmament, First Male Fertility Goddess EVER!! and Dojo with the Mojo, was educated at the Sorbonne and Sandhurst—England’s Renowned Military School—as well as at the Feet of His Dear Revered Father, Tsk Tsk II. He has ruled the little known East Asian country Dushbaj for the past 30 years with a mix of draconian rules and pogroms that are, as he notes wryly, one part police state, one part rogue nation, one part kleptocracy, and two parts despotism. He no longer exports terror, but rather his wit and wisdom about being a tyrant, which has made his books bestsellers both at home, and abroad. He is currently working on a graphic novel called “READ THIS BOOK OR DIE”.