Spencer Pratt is a Genius of Douchebaggery

Anybody who knows me, or the stuff that I write, knows that I am fascinated and disgusted by celebrity worship culture, and by celebrities, especially the ones who are famous for doing nothing at all. Take the strange case of Spencer Pratt, a man universally regarded as a douchebag with no talent at all, who is famous for being the douchiest douchebag on a douchey fake reality show.

Interestingly, I don't even watch that show -- the Hills, for those of you who are over, um, like 25 -- but I'm still painfully aware of Spencer Pratt and the trajectory of his douchey stardom, as well as his engagment (and, I believe, subsequent, maybe non-engagement) to somebody named Heidi (interestingly, not the person in the photograph to the right, who is his sister -- more on that below).

Why do I know? Because of my good friends at Us Weekly, of course! They have ensured that anybody -- well, anybody shallow enough for an Us Weekly subscription, and that's me (the best 8 minutes you'll spend on a toilet all week is "reading" Us Weekly, believe me) -- could in no way be unaware of Spencer, Heidi, and their tumultuous relationship.

Unfortunately, we are not saving our Us Weekly's for future generations, so this is a rather nonscientific survey, but according to my shitty memory, Spencer Pratt has now appeared in one form or another in Us Weekly for 8 solid weeks. That's two months running for a man known only for looking vaguely like a less manly version of Steve Sanders from 90210, and for being a douchebag.

I can tell you that this week he was featured for two things that, well, okay, even though I "read" the magazine on Saturday, I already can't remember. The week before, it was, and this was a stroke of complete genius, a story about his sister's substance abuse and recovery. This is when I really took notice and realized that, in addition to being a douchebag that looks kind of like Steve Sanders, Spencer Pratt was a stone cold genius of douchebaggery publicity. He is like Teri Hatcher, but without the weird face work and the desperation. Spencer Pratt knows he's going to be in Us Weekly every week. It's just a matter of how: surprise engagement, fiance's boob job, non-engagement, beach walking, sister's substance abuse, the list goes on and on and on.

The week before, he was serving Thanksgiving turkeys with Harrison Ford (who no doubt immediately fired his publicist for failure to book an A List public service engagement).

The week before that, it was "trouble with Heidi." Before that, a long string of random photos of him and Heidi cavorting in a posed fashion, like Spencer and Heidi golfing, Spencer and Heidi on a playground, Spencer and Heidi at the beach, Spencer and Heidi keeping it real, eating tacos, walking on the beach, walking on the beach again. You get the picture. We all get the picture. Us Weekly ensures that we get the picture.

So what to make of all this?

This: Spencer Pratt is a genius of douchebaggery. Like Gallagher and Carrot Top and Celine Dion and Good Charlotte before him, he has succeeded so grandly at his chosen field -- being famous and being in Us Weekly -- that we now have no choice but to celebrate his achievements.

I salute you, Spencer Pratt, and I look forward to following your brilliance this Saturday, on my toilet, for a solid 8 minutes.

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