Obligatory Tom Cruise Post

So Tom Cruise is crazy. Completely batshit, raving, super mega jumbo extra crazy. That's been well established. So much so, in fact, that he's still Gawker's main navigation item, and the story over there is morphing into coverage of the coverage (stories about how other websites can duplicate Gawker's incredible, Tom Cruise related traffic surge).

If you haven't seen the video, you really have to check it out. It's fascinating and funny and profoundly creepy. I think this quote sums it up nicely: ""Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident it's not like anyone else...you know that you're the only one who can help."

He talks about how scientologists are the only ones who can "bring peace" and "healing" and "clean this place up" and lots of kind of grand, super vague assertions along those lines. He laughs maniacally and talks about how he doesn't let SPs (those would be suppressive people, aka, all y'all, aka, anybody who is not a scientologist) anywhere near his "area."

Anyway, I can't recommend it highly enough. Definitely the best movie he's been in since, wow, I guess maybe Top Gun. And that wasn't really "good," or I should say, its good in exactly the same way Point Break is good. When was the last time that guy was in an actual good movie, anyway? And don't give me Magnolia, that bloated frog raining piece of crap. Gawker still has the goods if you haven't seen it already.

So the most interesting thing about the movie, and Tom Cruise in general, is what a good story this is. It's Elmer Gantry and All the Kings Men meets, shit, I don't know, some movie where a giant weird church founded by a science fiction writer hoodwinks some half-smart movie star into believing that he's conquered time and space and can do anything he wants, and that they know this because the made-up instruments that they've created tells them so. Seriously, that's a good movie.

I'm really curious what Tom Cruise thinks his abilities are. In Tom Cruise's head, can he really help a car accident victim? Like, just because he's "OT7" and more "clear" than John Travolta. Can he bring peace? What would that mean? How exactly would he pull that off, scientologically speaking? I'm honestly curious about this. I picture him in some big room in Clearwater Florida, with some kind of football helmet with wires coming out of it on his head, and a big made-up control room thing -- lights flashing, charts, things blipping and beeping -- and that David Miscavige character standing there pretending to read the fake blips and saying "Oh my god, Tom, you are sooooo clear. Sweet LRH, you can do anything you want to...hey, let's go make a video with you laughing like a madman and saying crazy shit..."

But when Tom Cruise thinks about these notions, "peace" or "cleaning things up," what the hell is he thinking about. Would he start with a mission statement, draw up a list of stuff to do, a workplan, measurements of success? I mean, I build websites here at my real job, and it takes a shitload of paperwork and a lot of people working in concert just to get one of these little things online. And we're not exactly working on world peace, or cleaning up the world, or, you know, vaguely doing something assertive that would make the world a better place for the aliens that are sleeping in our bodies.

So when Tom Cruise pictures Tom Cruise "helping" or "cleaning things up," does he picture himself as a cross between Kofi Annan and George Bush and the Terminator? Or does he just imagine that he stands there on the roof of the Hollywood Celebrity Center and, like, thinks really hard about "helping" or "cleaning things up." Does he assume that he is so goddam "clear" that he just forces all of this shit back into shape (whatever that might mean)? Maybe if him and John Travolta stand at opposite ends of the earth and both think about it really hard, lightning bolts will come out of their heads and cleanse the earth in the fire of L. Ron Hubbard's made-up righteousness.

Seriously, what do you think this jackass thinks he's talking about?

[double-dipped from Another Harebrained Scheme]


No comments: