4.22.2008

NUTZ! (for your truck)

Via Wonkette, the worst news to come out of (one of) my home state(s) since Dokken canceled their second night at the Pensacola Fairgrounds back in '84: if certain lawmakers have their way, Floridians may no longer be allowed to hang rubber testicles from the bumpers of their cars and trucks.

Now, look, this kind of legislation might go over just fine in one of your liberal Yankee Obama states, but there's a certain breed of Florida redneck -- picture jean shorts, a mesh-and-foam camouflaged hat, half-laced tan Timberlands, those early-90s Oakley Blades and sleeveless Big Johnson tee shirt -- who loves only one thing more than he loves his pickup truck, and that is fake rubber balls to hang from the bumper of his pickup truck.

I am totally not kidding about this.

The Florida legislature would have better luck trying to push through anti-Christmas legislation, or a bill banning slightly overweight and overtanned biker chicks from wearing Confederate-flag doo-rags and undersized daisy duke shorts.

You might think I'm exaggerating, but it really is impossible to overstate a very specific type of Florida guy's enthusiasm for TruckNutz. It's pretty much 1) Jesus, 2) Mama, 3) My goddamned TruckNutz.

You think the South went touchy when we tried to take away their slaves? Watch the hell out, people!

5 comments:

TMC said...

Next time you're in NJ, keep an eye out-- you'll see some Truck Nutz here too.

I've seen at least three different benutted trucks over the past few months.

one set of nuts-- um, i mean NUTZ-- was attached to a car that also had 2 bumper stickers supporting road rage, and 2 others with the following messages:

"Support Farting" (written on a black ribbon magnet thing)

and

"I'm only speeding because I have to poop."

JP said...

I didn't realize farting needed its own lobby group. I sort of think it sells itself, don't you?

As for this post: your grammar is impeccable. That's all I'm saying.

(Except that I wish there were 1996 Half-Broke-Down Mitsubishi Gallant NUTZ. If there were, I'd just have to rock that shit.)

Mike said...

I'm sure there's some sort of Nutz hat you could buy, or a Nutz headband.

Also, NJ isn't all that different, just slightly fewer mullets and slightly more racists.

Mel Sue said...

Jeez, what kinda country is this where the government wants to go round castrating men's trucks! That just ain't right.

I would like the contact info on the fartin support group. There's a few old farts round these parts that could use a chance to get some input from other persecuted farters. Sophisticated society just doesn't appreciate nature anymore.

JP said...

The best thing ever: Reuters gets the award in describing what these fun decorative testicles look like:

"Motorists would be fined $60 for displaying the novelty items, which are known by brand names like "Truck Nutz" and resemble the south end of a bull moving north."