This holiday's not going to celebrate itself, people!

As I noted last week, my day job requires me to peruse a lot of press releases. This week's Release of the Week was selected in honor of America's birthday, and I'm posting it here with a nod to fellow Barrelhouse blogger Tom (or am I contractually obligated to call you tmc?) who hails from the City of Cheesesteaks and Surly Sports Enthusiasts.

Apparently Philly, despite its charming, profanity-spewing locals and its plexiglass-encased Liberty Bell, is having some trouble attracting visitors for July 4th weekend. So area hotels have banded together with the following message:

Philly Hotels Say 'Come On Down'; Plenty of Rooms Available in Philly, Tonight Through July 5

Nothing like the stench of desperation to attract visitors to your city. This press release is the equivalent of that dorky kid from your fourth-grade class, the one with the elaborate headgear who smelled vaguely of cheese, announcing that he's got a couple spaces left to fill at his lunch table.

"We still have plenty of rooms available for visitors to stay to enjoy the Live 8 concert on July 2, a patriotic Philly Pops concert and lighting ceremony of Independence Hall on July 3, and the Elton John concert on July 4 with a fireworks finale," says John Kroll, president of Greater PhiladelphiaHotel Association (GPHA) and general manager of the Hyatt at Penn's Landing.

My mom always packs me a pudding cup, and I may be willing to share! Who likes Capri Sun?

The rest of the press release is pretty boring – just a bunch of facts and figures about public transportation and the city's various attractions. But then, in the last paragraph, we're treated to this great quote, which apparently is some sort of new motto for the city, though it sounds a little sleazy:

"It's true what we say ... Philly is more fun when you stay over."

Oh, that's a nice offer Philadelphia. But really, I'd rather just sneak out now and make the walk of shame under cover of darkness. It's so much more awkward in the morning. Am I supposed to stay for breakfast? Is cuddling required? But I had a lovely time, really. I swear I'll call you soon.