10.09.2005

An Open Letter to Mr. Steve Douglas, CEO of Microlinks UK

Dear Mr, Steve Douglas,

My name is Lars Finley and I'm writing about an exciting business opportunity for you, Steve Douglas, the CEO of Microlinks UK.

I feel its necessary to intervene before you and Microlinks UK make a huge mistake that can cost all of us a good deal of money, power, prestige, and success. I am referring, of course, about your recruitment of Joe Killiany to be the Microlinks UK Book Keeper in the United States.

Simply put, Mr, Steve Douglas, you are talking to the wrong guy. Joe Killiany is not your guy.

I am your guy.

Lets talk about experience. Joe Killiany does not know jack about Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume. I, in contrast, am a Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume expert. I am practically obsessed with Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume. You should see the Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume collection I have going here. There's hardly room for anything other than Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume.

I've got many contacts in the Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume community, and I feel that these contacts will help me in the the Book Keeping of your Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume in the most efficient and effective manner.

You are a CEO of a major company, Microlinks UK, Mr, Steve Douglas, and I don't think I have to tell you that the contacts I have, as opposed to Joe Killiany who has no contacts whatsoever, are the kind of contacts that you need.

Let me elaborate on my experience and the nature of experience in the Book Keeping game, vis a vis especially the area of moneygram transfers and the receipt of such. Book Keeping is hard enough, but you throw in the Batiks and the Assorted Fabrics and, as I believe you are well aware, you really need a cool head to handle the kinds of moneygrams transfers that will result. And Traditional Costume -- whew, don't even get me started on how long it took me to really understand the nuances of a Traditional Costume moneygram transfer.

Joe Killiany is a quick learning young man, that is true. But why start with a rookie, somebody who may not know the difference between a Batik moneygram transfer and a traditional costume moneygram transfer, when you don't have to? In me, you've got somebody who cut his teeth on fabrics and then moved on to batik and finally traditional costume. I don't think I have to tell you that this kind of experience is in and of itself quite invaluable and will likely make us all rich, rich, even richer than we are now.

And by "All" I mean you and me, Mr. Steve Douglas. Which is to say you and me and not Joe Killiany.

We will get rich together, Mr, Steve Douglas. Perhaps we will buy a mansion or a yacht. Or maybe we'll just sit on my patio and drink mojitos which are made by a lawnboy named Pablo and who comes directly from Puerto Rico for the sole purpose of being my lawnboy and making us mojitos and tiny little sandwiches made of the finest sliced meats. Do you like both mustard and mayonnaise on your sandwiches, Mr Steve Douglas? I do. We are mustard and mayonnaise kinds of guys, aren't we, Mr. Steve Douglas? Yes we are.

We will be fabulously rich togehter, Mr, Steve Douglas, while Joe Killiany sits alone in the writer's squalor watching the OC and probably wearing clothing made of original and high quality Microlinks fabrics or even a Traditional Costume that he is too naive and uneducated in the ways of Various Fabrics to even know came from Microlinks UK.

You and I are rich men Mr, Steve Douglas, and that is another reason to cut Joe Killiany out of this deal. Joe Killiany is a writer. Yes, he is a talented and clever fellow. But seriously, is Joe Killiany really the kind of guy you'd want for a representative in the United States? Do you really like the cut of his jib? is his the kind of flair that you think is representative of the Microlinks UK brand? I think not.

Let me tell you a little about myself and how my jib is cut. I am well groomed and coiffed at all times. I dress only in yellow. I am frequenty to be seen whistling. In conversation, I often recite Radiohead lyrics while emitting a light south american accent. I have been told on numerous occasions that I smell unremittingly like Leonard de Caprio. I enjoy leisurewear. I sport a fu manchu mustache that keeps the riff-raff away while further endearing me to the rich and, increasingly, the famous.

I am "high profile." Not like Joe Killiany, who is decidely much less "high profile." Do you want a less than high profile fellow as your Book Keeper, Mr. Steve Douglas? I think that is a rhetorical question as I'm sure you do too because a high profile brand like Microlinks UK deserves a high profile Book Keeper to recieve its moneygram transactions. I am that high profile Book Keeper.

And that brings me to a sensitive issue. You may be wondering about my rumored affair with Lindsey Lohan. While this is, certainly, the business of Ms. Lohan and myself, I understand that before you get into business with somebody, it is important to know a little about them. For this reason and this reason only, and on the understanding that as a CEO and a businessman and a gentleman, you will, of course, not sell this story to the tabloids, or will, at the very least, split any "finders fee" that the National Enquirer may suit to grant you with me, the source of this story, I am writing to tell you now that Lindsey Lohan and I are very much in love.

We are in love, Mr, Steve Douglas, and I feel that this kind of love can only help me in the Book Keeping for Microlinks UK and all that it will entail. A man in love is simply a better Book Keeper and much more inclined to be cheerfully recieving moneygram transfers. Is Joe Killiany in love? I suppose he is. But not like me and Lindsey Lohan who are in scary public Tom Cruise love, that is how much in love we are in.

And it couldn't hurt business is Lindsey happened to be photographed for the pages of In Touch or Us Weekly wearing some of our Various Clothing Materials, Batiks, Assorted Fabrics and Traditional Costume from Microlinks UK, could it, Mr Steve Douglas?

I think you know what I'm saying.

And since we are business partners, I feel honored to tell you, Mr, Steve Douglas, about Lindsey Lohan's breasts. Yes, they are real. And yes, they are a good time. A real party, if you know what I mean.

You should know that Joe Killiany is rarely seen or photographed in the company of starlets.

Let's talk money. And by money, I mean WEEKLY payments via MONEYGRAM TRANSFER. Simply put, Joe Killiany has no experience with getting paid WEEKLY via MONEYGRAM TRANSFER. Are you really going to trust a guy like Joe Killiany with your WEEKLY MONEYGRAM TRANSFER? I would not.

I bank only in moneygram and am well suited to handle these weekly transfers. If you have any questions about my qualifications, please feel free to contact the moneygram people directly, regarding my past business history.

But I ramble on, Mr, Steve Douglas. And maybe that is because I feel like it is fate that we are to work together. I feel like I've known you my entire life. Perhaps in another life we were partners, like Starsky and Hutch, or Clint Eastwood and that monkey. Or was that an orangutan?

Do you ever, Mr Steve Douglas, when you are dreaming, imagine that you are Ponce de Leon? Because I do. And if you you do too, then maybe in a past life we were Ponce de Leon and somebody who was very, very close to Mr. Ponce De Leon, in a business partner kind of way is what I mean with the closeness, because I am also all man, which is another quality I believe you are to be seeking in a Book Keeper for Microlinks UK.

I'm relatively sure that one of the things Ponce De Leon was known for was his love of fine fabrics and Batiks. He had a fancy for Traditional Costume, as do I, and obviously, you do as well.

Joe Killiany has no such dreams of potentially being Ponce De Leon or his business partner and probably barely even knows who Ponce De Leon is or was and if Joe Killiany was with us when one of us was Ponce De Leon in a past life then he was probably a slave or a lowly seaman who we ordered around and probably made dance like a monkey making little chimplike monkey sounds and scratching under his armpits while you and I in another life, Mr Steve Douglas, were drinking fine bottles of port and eating all the cheeses and unsliced meats that we could get our fine manicured hands on and conquering native peoples for their Batiks and Various Fabrics and Traditional Costumes that we would then sell. In this way, we would make even more money, funding our ability to make Joe Killiany do increasingly sillier dances, like dancing like a squirrel or trying to dance like a giant squid would dance if it could.

In closing, I think you can see that it is me and not Joe Killiany that you want for this job.

If you've got any question at all, please feel free to contact Wilmer Valderamma or Ms. Natalie Portman, both of whom can vouch for my qualities vis a vis flair and businesslike persona.

I look forward to an exciting time as your Book Keeper in the US.

Much love and big ups to you and yours.

Sincerely.

Lars Finley

1 comment:

Mike said...

Dave, did you eat the bad pills again? This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

I guess it's probably too much to hope for a reply from Spam Town, but if an actual person got this message, I'm sure you just blew their mind.