Press Release of the Week: NBA style

Barrelhouse readers who don't follow sports may not realize that the NBA is currently embroiled in controversy over a new dress code for courtside players. Basically, the gist is this: the NBA decided that perhaps the best way to fix its "image problem" is to require players to wear suits. Because American fans apparently hate seeing athletes dressed in throw-back jerseys or track suits, and they certainly hate bling.

Now, this policy, as you might guess, has touched off charges of racism. The NBA, some say, thinks it will be easier to sell its product by dressing it up in the conservative packaging of white corporate America.

I don't necessarily want to get into this complicated debate here, except to say that Dockers isn't helping:

Dockers(R), the nation's leading brand of men's casual clothing, today issued a "mandate" to all professional basketball fans to support their favorite players by adhering to a "fan code of style" similar to that established by NBA Commissioner David Stern.

"Dockers is encouraging fans to show their team spirit by getting behind the new player dress code and support professional basketball players by stepping up their own style at games," said Bill Stewart, vice president of Dockers Brand Marketing. "If players can step up their style, fans can too."

I don't need to tell you fine people that Dockers is perhaps the whitest clothing manfacturer in all the land. To use an SAT-style analogy: Fubu is to Dockers as 50 Cent is to Barry Manilow.

Apparently the company did some sort of "survey" and found that fans like to wear such clothing as "blazers, khakis and dress shirts" to games. One might suspect, of course, that Dockers' survey results might have been different if they'd stepped out of the corporate luxury box -- I mean, blazers? I like blazers as much as the next cracker, but who wears a blazer to a sporting event (at least to a sporting event that doesn't involve horses and mallets)?

But Dockers bravely soldiers on in the face of controversy, giving the following "dress tips" to whitebread bball fans:

--Avoid the Full Court Press -- Dockers(R) No Wrinkles technology keeps pants looking like they just came straight from the dryer all game long!

--Don't Worry about Flying Food! -- Dockers(R) Stain Defender(R) technology repels spills and defends against stains.

--Hot Dogs and Beer for Every Fan! -- Dockers(R) Individual Fit(R) Waistband gives up to an extra inch of room in the waist to fit that extra hot dog and beer!

--Keep Cool -- Cool Effects technology helps keep fans cool even when the game heats up. Moisture is wicked away from the fabric so fans feel dry and comfortable in any nail-biting situation.

--From Work to Tip-Off -- All Motion Comfort(TM) Fabric allows for a full range of motion and comfort all day at the office and well into the fourth quarter.

So there you have it: if we could all just wear Dockers brand business casual clothing, we could all get along.

Secondly: I've been wracking my pea-sized brain trying to figure out a way this second press release could be tied into the first. But, frankly, I've got nothing. Except I think it's funny. So I'm posting it here, in its entirely, without comment, except to suggest that it's best read in a Barry White-style voice:

"How can you not be passionate about chocolate? It is simply exquisite. The moment you taste ChocLamours, you will know only pure ingredients have been used for your pleasure. Eating ChocLamours is a joyful experience. Open the beautiful miniature box, discover "one of a kind" heartspoon chocolates, read the special message "spooning love to you," taste the richness of the chocolate, close your eyes and think l'amour - facial expression: a Monet masterpiece.

"ChocLamours takes great pride in offering its romantic gift collection called "SpoonMantics," which creates the special feeling of two people entwined as one. The sculptured pendants and porcelain candleholder are works of art.

"ChocLamours offers outstanding customer service and shipping to any location in the United States.

"Webster's Dictionary defines "romance" as a love story. ChocLamours defines "romance" as SpoonMantics.