An Open Letter to the Guy on the Metro Wearing Your Bluetooth Headset at 8:00 in the Morning

Dear Guy on the Metro Wearing Your Bluetooth Headset at 8:00 in the Morning,

Let's cut to the chase. Nobody cares about your new bluetooth headset.

Nobody.

Your wife doesn't care. Your friends don't care. And perhaps most of all, the people on the Red Line from Shady Grove at 8:00 in the morning really don't care.

Hey, man, I'm a geek, too. I check the Woot every day. I have all kinds of gadgets I'll never need. I kind of understand the urge to say, Hey World, look at me! I can answer calls from my cell phone with absolutely no wires connecting my earpiece to my phone! I have a thingamagig attached to my ear, like a Vulcan or some kind of commuter cyborg! I am a hip, happening, technologically advanced kind of guy with 80 dollars worth of disposable income that I am unafraid to blow at the Verizon kiosk in the mall!

But come on, man. Is that thing even turned on? It's 8:00 in the morning. Who might call you? What kind of profoundly important commuter are you that you can't wait the twenty minutes to get to Farragut North?

Perhaps these lists will help illustrate my point.

People Who Do Not Need to be Wearing Bluetooth Headsets At All Times:

• The President
  
• The Vice President
  
• The Members of Congress
  
• The Supreme Court
  
• The Dalai Lama
  
• Bono
  
• Bill Gates
  

A List of People Who Are So Important They Need to Be Wearing Their Bluetooth Headsets At All Times:

• You
  
• That other douche bag a few rows away
  

It's a problem of translation. A misunderstanding. You think your bluetooth headset is saying "I am on the cutting edge. I am a hip, happening guy. I am The Man. I am so technologically advanced as to be admired by all who bear witness to me and my all-powerful bluetooth headset."

But what you're bluetooth headset is actually saying, and perhaps you'd hear this if the stupid-ass thing wasn't jammed in your ear at all times of the day, is "I'm a total fucking dickwad with a massive sense of overimportance."

I know you're waiting for somebody -- perhaps the cute blond in the little business suit and the iPod -- to ask you about your bluetooth headset. But how would that go? I'm curious. In your head, is this how it goes down?

Blonde: My goodness, what is that fabulously sexy device attached to your ear?

You: Oh, am I wearing that old thing? Yeah, I guess I am. That's just my bluetooth headset.

Blonde: I don't usually do this, but...maybe we could get off this train right now, get ourselves a room at the Doubletree, and you could tell me all about it.

I think I have a solution, a way to work this out so everybody will be happy. You see, there's another guy, maybe you've seen him -- he's on the last car every day, around this time. He's the one with the segway and the "Ask me about my segway!" look on his face.

Go to him. Ask about his segway. Tell him about your headset. Execute the geek technical reacharound that you know you're dying for. Then sit back, relax, and take that stupid-looking thing out of your ear.

Thanks, man.

Oh, and nice headset.