Snacktime With Ralp Macchio

I recently became the proud owner of a June 1982 issue of Tiger beat STAR. For the uninitiated, Tiger beat was (is? I’d Google it, but that would just be one more hard-to-explain item in my NSA file) a magazine aimed at teenaged girls infatuated with celebrity boys – Scott Baio, Matt Dillon, Rick Springfield and the two Coreys both graced their share of Tiger beat covers in their teen heartthrob days. And Tiger beat STAR was … well, seemingly just a way for Tiger beat to sell two magazines instead of one each month to every single American girl between the ages of eight and sixteen.

In the June 1982 issue, there’s an article about Scott Baio’s upcoming record (Sample quote: Scott’s aiming for tunes that are gently melodic and have a danceability to them. It won’t be super hard rock with heavy guitars). There’s a section called “Marriage On Their Minds” in which various male stars talk about their dream girls (Sample quote, from some guy named Chris Atkins: I believe in lots of touching and holding hands). There’s an article entitled “John Stamos: New Kid in Town” (John’s 18 and has soft brown hair and the deepest blue eyes!). And there’s a contest in which readers are asked to answer, in 25 words or less, why they’re “stuck on Styx” (Go ahead, admit it! You’re head over heels about Styx. It’s okay – there are thousands of people who feel the exact same way. It’s a good feeling, because Styx and their music never let you down!)

But by far the best – and creepiest – feature is a thing called “Ralph: Let’s Meet for Treats … Just You and Me!” in which the reader is asked to imagine herself sharing various meals with Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio. I have no way of reproducing the pictures, which are absolutely priceless. So you’ll just have to imagine a bushy-haired Daniel-son wearing various spread-collar shirts while pretending to enjoy the “tasty treats” mentioned in the article:

“Pull up a chair and sit next to Ralph Macchio in the darkest, coziest booth in the restaurant – their specialty is pizza! Or how about a long walk along the beach topped off with a delicious delicacy from the seaside doughnut stand? Sharing a snack with Ralph is a real treat – anytime, anywhere!

“Mama mia, how Ralph goes for pizza! (He wouldn’t be Italian if he didn’t.) Don’t be shy about eating a gooey slice in front of Ralph – he knows there’s no delicate way of munching pizza – just dig in!

“The next time a doughnut craving strikes you, try this game with Ralph – make him close his eyes tightly, march him to the doughnut display case and have him point ‘eenie-meenie-minie-moe’-style to the doughnut he’d like you to eat!

“Ralph’s smart at breakfast – he snaps, crackles and pops his way through the morning with a heaping bowl of cereal and milk! But of course by lunchtime he’s worked himself into the mood for a strawberry split (he’d love it if you’d offer to feed it to him – romantic!!)

“Ralph’s not the kind of guy who’d try to impress you at a restaurant by ordering fancy wine (he knows neither one of you would want to drink it anyway!) – he’d settle for a steaming mug of hot chocolate (and race you to see who gets his marshmallows down to the bottom of the cup first)! Just clink your glasses together and enjoy your sweets!

And if that doesn't give you nightmares, my friends, then nothing will.