Well, Barrelhousers, it's playoff time in the No Fun League, and that means that we get bad football games, grotesquely overextended halftimes, and coaches who should never have been hired in the first place as "special guest analysts"; Butch Davis, I am talking about you.
Which means it must be time for my what's wrong with televised sports rant.
1). I believe a fundamental requirement for a broadcasting job ought to be the ability to speak intelligible, standard English. Which means that any of the players that you have never heard of who are now analysts for FOX (JC Pearson, I am talking about you) need to consider another line of work.
2) Joe Theismann. Never has someone made so much money off of saying so many obvious things, with the possible exception of Ronald Reagan. With Tampa Bay down by a touchdown with under 2 minutes to play last Saturday, Joe T. praised Bucs coach John (Chucky) Gruden for putting the ball in the hands of his quarterback. Perhaps he wanted him to put the ball in the hands of referee Mike Carey. This is the sports equivalent of the bad editors out there who leave a sentence in a book that reads, "The dog stood there on all four paws."
3) Emphasizing the connection between Christ and the Colts. I can think of at least one person out there who didn't think Tony Dungy was such a great guy...and I can't help but wonder if, during the middle of a father's biggest success ever, a son's suicide can't be seen as anything more than a giant, "Fuck you, Dad." And I've yet to hear a single blowhard journalist (say anyone who is now or has ever been a guest on Around the Horn) broach this subject. Kudos to TMC for getting this one right on his blog.
4) Defense wins football games. Yes, unless the offense or special teams do.
5) the phrase "first down and more." This would be a key ingredient in any Mike Patrick-based drinking game. But wait, he's out of a job, so there must be a god.
6) Michael Irvin. See #1. Also see the Smoking Gun for his various mug shots.
Now, onto what the NFL needs.
1) An analyst, who, like Howard Cosell, NEVER PLAYED THE GAME. Preferably Ivy League educated, not interested in hanging around with the players. A side effect of the cosy, two-man booth is that everyone there has to buddy up to coaches, players and management in order to get those juicy tidbits that are leaked into the broadcast. "Tom Brady told me last night at our production meeting that he vomits before every game," is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. We need a designated hatchet man. Someone who could say things like this: in the next collective bargaining agreement, management ought to insist on the strongest "conduct detrimental to the team" clause in all of professional sports. Hey, you wave a gun around, or you beat up the former defensive end (first sack Hugh Douglas had in about 5 years, incidentally) you're gone. No salary cap penalty, no appeal. You're just released. You can go be someone else's problem. You can get fired from any job in America. Why not in the NFL?
2) A few more owners who understand that the game needs its fans. Take lessons from NASCAR. Let's make merchandise realistic, and affordable. If you paid 300 bucks for a jersey at the stadium, you're a moron. The league office doesn't seem to understand that you could sell 100 times as many jerseys at 75 dollars.
3) Prohibit current players from broadcasting; it is particularly painful to watch poor Rich Eisen on NFL Network try to handhold guys like Darren Sharper through an interview. And Darren asks those insightful questions like, "My man!"
Oh yeah, Darren went to my alma mater and is the only current William and Mary alum in pro football. Guess he didn't major in communications.
4) Let us in on some things that we don't see. I can go to Talladega and listen to every driver talk to his pit crew, but I've never seen one bit of video of what the referee sees under the instant replay hood; better yet, how about a MIKED UP segment on TMC's favorite referee, Ed Hochuli? Don't you think it would be a lot more interesting if we knew that some of those interminable referee conferences were really about what steak house they were going to after the game?
Your ideas?
Open memo to Paul Tagliabue and Ed Browne: my consulting fee is $300/hour, against a $10,000 retainer, and first class travel. If I don't get you .5 points across the board, I'll refund every dime.
1.10.2006
Why I Hate Joe...(Theismann, that is)
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3 comments:
No more Brian Baldinger, Bill Maas, or Tim Green. Actually, they may have finally sent Green off to pasture, or NPR, or wherever that overqualified, vastly undertalented fucker went.
There have to be better guys out there. There have to be better guys, or women, or kids, doing high school sports somewhere. The 40 Year Old Virgin "Know How I Know You're Gay" DVD commentary with Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan was a billion times better than any game "commentated" by Baldinger or Maas.
The worst thing about the Redskins sucking the past decade or so was the tragic decline, every year, into the Baldinger Zone. You might think this isn't a big deal. If that's the case, then you must live in a media market where your team has been good for a long time.
Actually the very worst was in the first few years of the Norv Turner era, when the games were called by the immortal team of Kevin Harlan and Jerry Glanville.
Curt Menafee and anyone is a sure sign of 6-10 destiny, too.
Man, I wish I'd seen this post earlier in the week.
-- more interviews with offensive linemen. No offensive lineman lies or minces words. They've always been the biggest man in the room, and they're all ridiculously tough. Thus, they never had to mince words in their life. Ever. Many of them are intelligent (on average, the highest scorers on the wonderlic test), and they're straight shooters. See Jon Runyan as an example. Or Jon Jansen's great work on Draft day every year.
- Kill the sunday night crew now. No more Theismann, please.
- less time wasted on "Miked Up" segments featuring... anyone. All they produce is a lot of grunts, and maybe some profanity that can't be shown. It's not interesting, and it's ridiculous when the jackasses in the booth start laughing when they come back.
- Cut two teams. I've always been in favor of contracting every league. Too many teams dilutes the talent pool, leaves us with shitty games, and keeps jokers like Kordell Stewart and Ron Mexico (ooh, low blow!) in the league. The European soccer leagues demote teams who can't cut it; why not demote the shitty Saints and Texans till they get their act together? And while we're on the subject, who knew Atlanta and Nashville had hockey teams? And do the Tampa Bay Devil Rays make any money?
- Hire analysts with memories that extend longer than one week. Not every thing that happens is the greatest thing ever.
- more naked cheerleaders.
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