Press Release of the Week: Tainted Love

Well, boys and girls, Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us, and if you’re anything like me, you find yourself conflicted. On the one hand, Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday invented by a bunch of corporate fat cats to force hard-working Americans to spend money on flowers, cards, jewelry and chocolates. And yet, on the other hand, I bet you sure would like to see your significant other naked again sometime during the Bush administration!

Luckily, there are lots of people volunteering their help this year. For the menfolk, Detroit clothier Mark England DeMonde has created “A Guy’s Guide to Successful Shopping,” which allows the clueless male to answer a series of question about his special ladyfriend and come up with the perfect present.

"We are not talking about questions like size or favorite color," DeMonde says. "Although of course that is important information." No, the questions here are about “personality” and “lifestyle.” So if, for example, your woman likes death metal, chains, and searing hot wax, you might buy her a leather jacket or a pair of combat boots. If, on the other hand, your girlfriend likes teddy bears, Precious Moments figurines and the music of Michael Buble, you might consider just breaking up with her.

Or maybe you want a little more – uh, intimate – gift this year. Maybe you’ve put on a few pounds or your psoriasis is acting up again and your wife and/or girlfriend no longer finds you attractive. But hey, you’re a man, and you have needs! Get the little woman good and revved up with Scentuelle, “a blend of scent molecules which mimic the size, shape, and electrical charge of dopamine, the molecule that causes the brain to release the hormones that make us feel aroused.”

Apparently Scentuelle comes in the form of a patch that women wear on their wrists and then smell periodically throughout the day. Hottt!

And here’s another suggestion, guys. I’m no Don Juan, but I’m pretty sure this would be a terrible gift idea: “This Valentine's Day, show your significant other how much you really care by giving the gifts that really count: A healthy heart and a longer life. Joey Dweck, the founder of weightlossbuddy.com, the free site that gets you to buddy-up to lose weight and change to a healthier lifestyle by offering support 24/7, says that the most romantic gifts are the ones that have the biggest heartstrings.”

Nothing says “I love you” like “Time to drop a few, porky!”

And what about the sad, sad, lonely singles out there? Valentine’s Day is tough for them, too. Luckily, “singles humor columnist” Angela Manfredi feels your pain. And she’s got some really great suggestionsfor single women that are totally not depressing at all:

--“Dining alone is a real confidence builder. And, you can order as much dessert as you want without feeling self-conscious or worrying about the chocolate sauce that dripped on your blouse."

-- “Don't wait by the door for the elusive singing telegram or Candy-gram. Instead, make (and keep) an appointment for a Mammogram. Your compressed breasts will thank you.”

--“Treat yourself to sexy new underwear and pretty push-up bras. Say buh-bye to the granny panties and splurge on sassy skivvies."

Single guys – don’t think Manfredi’s forgot about you. “For the single guys who actually know that something called 'Valentine's Day' exists and don't want to spend it alone, install something such as sink or a car stereo.”

Ah, gender stereotypes! Where would middling comedians be without them?

Finally, what would a national holiday be without some words of wisdom from Barrelhouse’s favorite D.C.-based crazy person, Matthew Lesko.

“Yes, that's him ... Uncle Sam! Only dressed up in a phat Cupid outfit for Valentine's Day! In fact, there's so much help all year round that can improve the lives of lovers, he's just got to ‘hook you up’! So, this is a great month to celebrate YOU! 'Get Some Lovin'! Government grant guy, Matthew Lesko, at www.lesko.com wants taxpayers to know that your government not only helps your financial life, but also YOUR LOVE LIFE!

Apparently, using freely available government services like Social Security records, Justice Department databases and U.S. Military locator services, you can answer these important Valentine’s Day-related questions:

--Did Your Lover Wind Up In Jail?

--Did His Divorce Really Go Through?

--Is He Really a Lawyer or a Professional Wrestler?

--Is She Just a Gold Digger?

--What Happened to that Cute Sailor?

God, if I had a nickel for every time I'd asked that last question, I'd ... well, I'd have a lot of nickels. And someone to go halfsies on the penicillin.