Wing-Nut Of The Week: Jesus Hates Metal

Finally, someone is willing to stand up and speak some truth about the evils of metal and electricity. Airplanes, streetcars, jewelry, money, power lines ("metal troops of the electric beast") -- all these things go against God. Also, electromagnetic fields cause diabetes and "femdom" among men, George W. Bush is the Antichrist and glasses make you bald (don't I know it!).

I know, I know, it's a lot of truth to absorb all at once. So let's start at the beginning: the periodic table. You probably think of the periodic table as just some annoying, dorky thing you had to learn once in school, then forget completely. As opposed to, say, The Beast of Revelations. But that's only because you still need to be schooled in numerology and the Bible. See, it's all about the Transition Metals, which "have one mind, and give their strength to the beast." Also, seven and ten seem to be important, somehow.

In the beginning the electric metals were bound up and buried in the pit of the earth. So it was that almighty God delivered loving messages to help protect the people. They should not make worship of false idols or they would burn in the fires of hell, however, they took the metal from the earth and built electric metal structures. They dressed their bodies in electric metals and enslaved the people with electromagnetic chains.

The quantum-electromagnetic structure of life was hidden from their eyes and they built rockets and electric motors. They engineered the disease and had no eyes to see the quantum-electromagnetic fires in which they burned. Of the second coming, the lamb would come with his Holy Scepter and open his little book, giving unto the world his divine staff, that all truth would be revealed.

So, how does all this metal really affect our lives? Here's a little sampler pack to get you started down the path toward enlightenment. You'll learn the basics about "dragons of the sea" (flying beasts which breathe fire and "like punching holes in the atmosphere"), "600-volt crooked scorpions" (streetcars), handcuffs, dental fillings, and "electric metal women in sexy lingerie." Also, the Antichrist (George W. Bush):

The antichrist loves all the things which hurt you. He is a cowboy who keeps the horses. He tramples in the stinging nettles of the thicket, a walker in the bush. He loves blue jeans, oil, war, dragons, and destroying the environment. He speaks with a forked tongue and cannot be trusted.

And coffee:

Convenient liquid metal for the average human borg. Top up your nickel and copper levels with this easy to drink gluck. The water is pushed through copper pipes and heated around a nickel heating element. The coffee is ground with a metal blade for added electric metal zing. In electric cities, they drink the coffee and then they go off to work in metal towers overcome with vector spikes from elevator and boiler room motors. Oh joy, what fun it is living in slavery to the beast.

But oh, there's more. Much, much more. Like this completely scientific study on "femdom." Apparently dominant females and submissive males cluster around areas with the most electromagnetic activity. Of course there's no indication of how we came up with this "femdom percentage deviation" number, but I'm sure that's totally been peer reviewed.

And it makes sense, if you think about it. Where are all the strip clubs in your particular town? I bet they're near metal, aren't they? Maybe even near the airport, or the local military base? And what's in the strip club? A metal pole! And strippers totally wear jewelry and underwire bras. What's a bellybutton ring but a bull's eye for Satan's electromagnetic perv rays?

But wait, the science continues ... In a study of "computer-using males," an irrefutable causal link was found between eye glasses and both gray hair and balding. Okay, so it was just a study of 628 people who voluntarily uploaded high-resolution pictures onto this guy's web site, but still -- you've got to extrapolate, people. That's how science works.

Also, you should know that diabetes is caused by space shuttles taking off from Cape Canaveral. And, to a lesser extent, airplanes.

So, by now, dear reader, you're probably wondering: Who's the hero behind these revelations? Who should I thank? Well, I'm glad you asked. His name is Christopher Peter George, and he is your new Messiah.

As May day approached they called all the children into the gymnasium. They would choose a May Queen, her ladies in waiting, and a page boy. As I sat quietly the headmaster called out to ask who should be chosen as page boy and the entire school began to chant my name. I was overwhelmed. At the time I didn't understand why all these boys and girls would call my name. So it was I would carry out my duties and serve her. Walking proud upon the stage I would kneel to one knee as I presented her crown on a cushion. As the women of the village cheered the white horse began to pull the cart through Kingswinford. The May Queen sat up high toward the front. The ladies in waiting sat in a circle at her feet and I sat at their center.

So, you see, of course he's the second coming of Jesus Christ. He was picked as the May Day page, for God's sakes! In England, that's, like, a really big deal, like being the first guy in your group of friends to smoke pot or lose his virginity.

I've got to be honest: I kinda tuned out on his story after that. It's really long and boring -- I mean, really, that May Day thing is about the most exciting thing that happened to him, except he got some eczema on his elbows, and they moved to Canada, but then went back to England, and he got really good at pool and started doing some computer programming.

By the age of fourteen I had been playing pool for some seven years and I would travel by coach to attend tournaments. By this time I had begun smoking and on occasion I would enjoy a drink with my heavy metal friends. I could often hold the pool table all evening, without losing a single game against all challengers. A dark night would come to pass and I would put my pool cue in the case and I would begin crying of the cold night rain. I would never really play again. The sound of the rain was a million voices declaring the end of winning and I was overcome with unbearable sadness. A great journey would soon begin.

After that, he broke his leg or something -- as the Great Spirits foretold! -- and then he got a blonde girlfriend, but he kept having dreams about a black-haired angel, and also -- just like Jesus! -- he became a carpenter. And now he travels the world using his divine staff to preach the truth about metal. So, congratulations Christopher ... you're this week's Wing-Nut Of The Week.