The Stars! They're Just! Like Us!

For those of you who do not have the privilege of having Us Weekly delivered straight into the magazine rack to the right of your toilets (I have no idea how the Post Office does that, but great work, USPS), I'm going to perform the public service of posting my favorite part of this important national news magazine: The Stars, They're Just Like US!

For those of you shamefully unfamiliar with this important and revealing contribution to our national consciousness, each week (duh) US Weekly publishes pictures of various A, B, C, and D-List celebs engaging in some type of behavior that is so common as to render them Just Like Us.

Personally, I appreciate the basic sentiment, which seems to be that, despite its aggressive and constant star-whoring, Us Weekly is really here to show us that, deep down, The Stars aren't actually beings from another planet who have arrived, Thetan like, perhaps, to occupy physically superior bodies that slightly resemble our own, but with bigger boob parts, larger head parts, perkier nose parts, and rounder buttock shaped parts.

No, Us Weekly, seems to be telling us, The Stars are actually just human beings who also wear shoes and eat food and are subject to the same trials that plague you and I, like the occasional need to walk, or shut our car doors, or ingest water.

With that said, here are this weeks reasons why The Stars are, in fact, Just Like Us:

THEY LOVE THEIR NEPHEWS!

Case in point: Beyonce holds baby nephew in pool.

Revelation: Even though they are superior in every way to you and me and all other nonfamous human beings, The Stars are not immune to the occasional bout of affection for a blood relative, assuming there are enough photographers in the vicinity.

THEY EAT PRETZELS!

Case in point: Carmen Electra holds large soft pretzel while walking down street.

Revelation: Despite the physical and moral superiority of The Stars, they must also eat food. And walk on the street. They must also hold food, unless they are P. Diddy, in which case they hire a guy to hold the food while they eat it. And Carmen Electra, we know P. Diddy. P. Diddy is a friend of ours. And you, my friend, are no P. Diddy.

THEY STEP ON ONE SHELF TO REACH ANOTHER!

Case in point: Winona Ryder stands on supermarket shelf to reach top supermarket shelf.

Revelation: The Stars are tiny, tiny little elfin people, with huge, perfectly shaped heads.

THEY JET SKI!

Case in point: Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn on wave runner.

Revelation: The Stars also enjoy having fun. On the water. Someimtes. And sometimes Sean Penn takes a break from Acting, and from being a sanctimonious prick to ride around on a wave runner with his wife. Unless, that is, he's doing Research for some Important Role. You know what, shit, that's probably it. Never mind. Not all of The Stars are actually like us.

THEY GROOM THEIR PUPS!

Case in point: Jessica Alba pets dog.

Revelation: Even though the fact that they owned by The Stars might lead one to believe that The Stars Dogs are physically superior and impeccably groomed by Jonathan Antin and his band of merry hairdressers, they are still dogs. Other Revelation: Jessica Alba's Dog probably has a better life than you or me will ever have.

THEIR LACES COME UNDONE!

Case in point: Luke Wilson ties shoe.

Revelation: Despite their access to money and power and clothes that cost more than you will make in the next ten years, The Stars shoes are also occasionally tied with laces, and sometimes the people who tie The Stars shoelaces for them neglect to tie the shoes of The Stars tightly enough, and The Stars are forced to take matters into their own Star Hands, later on in the day. Needless to say, The Stars suffer this humiliation with good humor and pluck and the knowledge that soon they will go home, laces tied neatly, and hurl cell phones at the people who tie The Stars shoelaces.