Wing-Nut Of The Week: Morrissey, Prophet

So, last week's debut of this feature proved to be a little rocky. Just an hour or so after I made fun of Fundamentalist Advice Columnist Debi Pearl, a string of tornadoes ripped through Iowa City. Coincidence? Maybe, but this week I'm not taking any chances. I figured it was time to choose a less controversial target, or at least one without the power to direct the winds.

When I first heard the theory that Morrissey (of Smiths fame) had predicted the death of Princess Diana nearly eleven years before her tragic car accident, I laughed it off as just another crazy conspiracy theory -- you know, like the Moon Landing Hoax, or the Masons secretly controlling the universe, or the alien sex slaves Donald Rumsfeld keeps in his toolshed.

But now that I've dug a little deeper, I think this guy makes some really convincing claims -- you just can't argue with this kind of airtight logic:

--In 1986, the Smiths released The Queen is Dead, and -- get this! -- eleven years later the actual Queen was dead. Or, well, a princess, but hey -- close enough, right? Even Nostradamus was only batting like .600.

--For the cover art of The Queen is Dead, Morrissey chose French actor Alain Delon. Eleven years later, the first announcement of Diana's death came from ... wait for it, wait for it ... another French guy named Alain (Dr. Alain Pavie)!

--Morrissey named The Queen is Dead after a chapter title in the Hubert Selby novel Last Exit to Brooklyn. Brooklyn, as we all know, is in New York. When Princess Di's car crashed, it was in an underpass tunnel heading toward the exit to the Avenue de New York.

Convinced yet? Oh, there's more.

--Morrissey started the album with audio from a film, The L-Shaped Room. That film was about a woman -- played by Lesley Caron -- who moved from France to England. After Diana died, her body was moved from France to England! As if that weren't enough proof, Lesley Caron and Princess Di were both born on July 1!

But the shocking non-coincidences don't stop there. Here, as the French would say, is the piece d' resistance (piece of resistance):

--The song "There is a Light that Never Goes Out" is about two people ... on a date ... at night ... in the city ... driving in a car ... fantasizing about being killed by a car crash (for the sake of argument, let's just ignore for a moment that whole "double-decker bus" thing) ... gripped by fear in an underpass!!!!

Game, set, and match.

There's more, and still more. But really, if you're not convinced yet, you clearly know nothing about sound reasoning and causation. You're probably one of those arrogant assholes who still doubts the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, or thinks you can swish Coke and Pop Rocks around in your stomach without exploding.

Probably you're saying to yourself right now: Mike, that sure is airtight logic, and I'm so glad you've exposed this totally undeniable causal link to me. But how did Morrissey know Princess Diana was going to die? I mean, sure he's a great singer -- he's all moody and has cool hair and looks nice with his shirt off -- but is he also some sort of crazy mystic or all-knowing seer?

I'm glad you asked, friend. Just check out this totally straightforward and not-at-all-confusing explanation that links Morrissey, aliens, the Jodi Foster movie Contact, vegans, Herman Melville, and my hometown of Pensacola, Fla (Shout-out to my peeps! P'cola in the hizzouse!)

Unfortunately, this story has a sad ending. Despite all these compelling facts, the world just doesn't want to listen. As David Alice puts it in his final post on the subject:

"I've presented 20% of the evidence of the Diana-Morrissey Phenomenon. Knowing that the remaining 80% of the evidence is the same quality as that which has already been presented and ignored, I logically conclude that the world won't listen to it either. It is a curious fact that the Smiths' album at the heart of the Diana-Morrissey Phenomenon, The Queen is Dead,was immediately followed by a Smiths compilation titled The World Won't Listen."

Curious indeed, David. But hey, nobody wanted to listen to Leonardo DaVinci or Columbus or Ben Franklin or whoever that guy was who told them the earth was round and electricity would light kites on fire. As the cat on the poster says: Hang in there, baby. And if it's any consolation, you can at least tell your friends and neighbors that you've been chosen as the Barrelhouse Wing-Nut Of The Week. Your tinfoil hat and a coupon entitling you to a half-priced Cinnabon (airport locations only) are in the mail.


TMC said...

By far the best argument on there:

Morrissey chose a photo of actor
for the cover of
If you rearrange the ten letters in
you get to the source of the album:

When will people learn that the answer is always in anagrams?

Three anagrams for "Morrisey" that I've just discovered reveal the truth even further:

"Me I Sorry" --> In other words, he's sorry he didn't get the message out sooner and couldn't save the poor Queen.

"Ime Sorry" --> Same thing. Imagine the burden the poor man was bearing; he feels such guilt!

"Yes I Mr Or" --> Mr. Or? What's Mr. Or? Open your minds, people! Mr. Oracle. Confirmation within his own name that he sees the future.

TMC said...

by "queen," by the way, i mean "princess"