24 Thoughts on 24

After last night's whiz-bang conclusion of the fifth and perhaps most belief-suspending season of 24, here are some random thoughts that have been floating around my head this season.

What the fuck is in that messenger bag? Like, an FBI-issue sig sauer, lock picking tools, City Paper, PDA, cell phone, bonus burrito card, flashlight, mirror, torture devices, cyanide pill, Starbucks travel mug...

Best initiation of romantic dialogue ever: "When I heard you had kidnapped the president..."

Dead or Alive? Secretary Heller. Wayne Palmer. Curtis (I missed last week due to President Bush dicking my Tivo over with his lame-ass immigration speech; and you thought television was the one thing that fucker couldn't fuck up...).

What was all that about? Kim and that weirdly overprotective boyfriend, who I think had the name and personality of that guru/psychiatrist who had Brian Wilson "under his care" for a period of time in the 80s. The redhead from The Brothers McMullen and Spin City and her overprotective son who eventually learned to love and respect Jack Bauer.

Bit players who seem too good-looking, interesting, or obviously random to not be coming into play in season 6: That hot Italian arms dealer. The Scottish or German or whatever spy guy, who Jack dicked over (and is also Declan, from Lost). Chloe's ex-husband Morris.

The question everybody is asking: why didn't he just download that stupid voice file to Chloe and save us about twelve episodes?

Mary Lynn Rajskub is the Sam Elliott of Television: One facial expression to fit all moods and situations. Same Elliott = the eye twinkle. Mary Lynn = the scowl.

They Took One for the Team (the old fashioned way): That guy who slept with Chloe. The first lady.

Is that a Shacket or a Jirt? What was that thing Jack was wearing all season? Jacket? Shirt? Jirt? Shacket? It had a hood. It had some kind of lapel-ish collar-y thing. What was that? Why didn't he ever take it off?

RIP: Anybody who tried to help Jack in any way at all.

Best Executive IT Training Program: Goes to the CTU and Homeland Security IT staff, who somehow trained executives as high-ranking as Bill Buchanon and Karen Hughes to hack and override and download and do all kinds of kickass stuff usually reserved for twelve year old Thai hackers.

He Took the Precious: Is it just me, or was that Miles guy doing a kind of Gollum-as-middle-manager impression?

The Lundberg Award for Best Management Style: To, who else, Jack Bauer, who proved that you really can get people to accomplish anything -- for instance, land a plane on a highway without enough room, while being chased by airforce fighter jets -- by yelling "NOW!" and "FASTER!" and "Do it DO IT NOW!"

Ziskey Rates the Russians: They're Pussies! Don't you think 24 should end like Stripes, with the mocked up magazine covers that follow? Chloe on Wired, Curtis on Guns and Ammo, Morris on Audio Engineer Weekly, Kim in Maxim...oh, well, I guess that last one actually came true.

Rudy...Rudy! Dude, nice try. But you'll always be Rudy.

Most Enterprising Criminal: Rudy's skeevy sister's skeevy boyfriend, who somehow managed to get in touch with high-level Russian terrorists about five minutes after he nabbed Rudy's CTU scan card.

Best Casting: Speaking of...who was that scuzzy sister anyway? She seemed way too real, right down to the rugburns on her knees. Ugh.

Did We Ever Learn? Who those dudes in the room were? You know who I mean, the gay guy from Fame who was the doctor on ER. I get it that they're, you know, Shadowy Operatives, or Halliburton Executives or whatever, but did they ever actually tell us who they were?

Pscych! Come on, as soon as you hear the lovely music and Jack Bauer says, "that's right, Audrey, it's all over," you KNOW the shits just about to go down. Anybody who says otherwise is a sucka.

Worst. Boyfriend. Ever. Last season Jack killed Audrey's husband and brother and then faked his own death. This season he almost killed her dad and got himself all kidnapped on a slow boat to China.

I Don't Think He's Dead. Robocop. No bleeding. We never saw his body, right?

Ancient Chinese Plot Twist. Not bad. Those Chinese bastards sure do hold a grudge, don't they?

Acme Company, This is Jack Bauer, I'd Like to Order an Anvil. 24 is the best cartoon since Roadrunner.

Why Am I So Fucking Stupid? I'm already looking forward to next season.

1 comment:

RobinSlick said...

That was the most hilarious blog post ever. Like you, at least I think it was you because I remember reading a post about watching the series on DVD and having it be far less painful -- I got hooked this year and could not believe how poorly this show is written and I think this pisses us both off because it could be fantastic if the writers had any common sense at all. But you pretty much touched on everything I've been thinking all season, down to that skanky crackhead sister of Rudy's. Man she seemed real!

I especially like that all of this occurs in 24 hours. Did you count the deaths? I started and reached 20 names I knew, not counting half the CTU staff who bit it. No one eats or goes to the bathroom in 24 hours...but the best had to be Audrey at the end -- after having a severed artery and being roughed up by everyone from her father to Jack -- appear in a clean gauzy white shirt to profess her love for Mr. Bauer.

And why the fuck didn't Kim call Jack on his cell phone at the show's ending?

I swear. I'm not watching it next year. I refuse to be a part of it!

Um, hopefully.