Did you know that if you allow your daughter to marry an illegal non-European immigrant, she may be forced to mutilate her genitals? Did you know that Muslim terrorists are attending special schools in Latin America where they learn Spanish and then sneak into the United States disguised as Latino immigrants? Did you know that illegal immigrants, with the support of the Mexican government, are attempting to "take back" a portion of the American Southwest? Did you know that if you go to the movies or Wal-Mart, you may be breathing air that contains hepatitis?
No?
Time to get educated, Barrelhousers.
The Southern Poverty Law Center routinely collects intelligence reports on America's lunatic fringe. Their profiles of "The Nativists" is like a collection of Wing Nut bubblegum cards.
First up, let's meet Arlington, Virginia's Erin Anderson, who not only believes that Muslims are sneaking into the country dressed up as Latinos (I assume this means fake moustaches, silly hats and striped ponchos), she also claims they've brought a leprosy epidemic to the Boston area and purposely donate tainted blood. As if that weren't bad enough, Mexico's pedophiles are hopping the border into America because of our country's lax enforcement of sexual predator laws.
Next, say hello to Frosty Wooldridge. This Colorado native's hobbies include bicycling, wearing funny chef hats and being a crazy wing-nut racist. Wooldrige warns of the "disease jihad" coming to America via its southern border. The Latinos are bringing with them tuberculosis, head lice and hepatitis -- not to mention their culture of genital mutilation, cock fighting and Santeria. And don't even get him started on immigrants' questionable bathroom behavior:
Somali immigrants, Wooldridge warns, 'never used a toilet or washed their hands before being plunked down in America.' Mexicans 'do not wash their hands after using bathroom facilities.'
There are lots of other crazy wing-nuts on the Southern Poverty Law Center site. Like D.A. King, who hired homeless people to fill out the crowd of an anti-immigration rally. Or Jim Chase, who decided the Minutemen people were just a little too tolerant for him.
When he launched the California Minutemen (recently renamed California Border Watch), Chase put out a call on the Internet for 'all those who do not want their family murdered by Al Qaeda, illegal migrants, colonizing illegal aliens, illegal alien felons, alien barbarians, Ninja-dressed drug smugglers,' along with those who opposed 'cowardly Aztlan punks and Che Guevara pink pantied wimps lower than whale dung who should be fed to the chupacabra [a mythical Mexican monster].' Making ready to patrol the border, he asked his volunteers to bring 'baseball bats, stun guns and machetes' and said they could carry assault rifles and shotguns.
Then there's Barbara Coe, who claims to have uncovered the Mexican plot to take over the American Southwest, and says she's seen the "rape and murder of law-abiding citizens at the hands of illegal barbarians ... who are cutting off heads and appendages of blind, white, disabled gringos."
It's not just the white folks in on the fun, though. Lupe Moreno, whose husband (well, ex-husband now) was a one-time illegal immigrant, and whose father was an immigrant smuggler, recently compared Americans suffering from illegal immigration to Jews suffering under the Nazis. And the Americans, according to Moreno, are reacting in the same "passive" way that the Jews allegedly did.
Oh, Moreno also thinks homosexuals have been overtaken by evil spirits, and that body piercing can turn a person gay. I couldn't make this stuff up, people.
And perhaps you didn't realize it, but no state is under siege from the illegals quite like Idaho. Luckily, Canyon County Commissioner Robert Vasquez is all over the problem. He's demanded that the governor close the Idaho borders, and he's billed the Mexican government $2 million for services his county has spent on immigrants.
What's that you say? Vasquez sounds suspiciously like a Latin American name? Them's fightin' words, mofo. Sure, he's the grandson of Mexican immigrants, but he rejects the idea of being a "hyphenated American."
'The diversity crowd seduces the naive by teaching that the invaders are noble, harmless people, just here to work,' Vasquez told an anti-immigration gathering near Chicago in October, 'when in fact they are here to commit auto theft, burglary, rape, robbery and murder.'
As Moe Szyslak once famously said: "Immigants! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them!"
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