DIY TV

Salon has an interesting thing up right now where they ask different people to "image their fantasy (TV) program." What's up there so far is kind of interesting, although not exactly inspired. Who knew the dude from the Mountain Goats liked boxing so much? And the zombie rights show ("Afterlife") is funny and, strangely, not such a bad idea.

But I think we can do it a little better here at Barrelhouse.

I can't think of a better group of people to pursue a project that involves a bit of random creativity, a love/hate/love relationship with television, and no responsibility to actually do anything other than throw ideas out there.

So here's my idea, and some of you may have heard this before. It is called "Porn House" and I don't think its been done yet, although I know the Playboy channel has gotten close. And here I have to say much credit goes to my friend Jake, who is equally responsible/to blame for this concept.

Here's how the show works: you get a bunch of very horny straight men, like, eight of them, all in their early twenties, in a house. Also in the house: an equal number of porn stars (or, you know, depending on production values and budgets, hookers).

The straight men are not allowed to orgasm. Any orgasm -- self-inflicted, nighttime emission, what have you, and they are out of the game. Hence the catchphrase: "You cum, you go!"

And now the conflict: the porn stars/hookers are paid a bounty for each guy they can make orgasm. The bounty goes down incrementally every day, so there's a sense of urgency for them as well.

There will be challenges (Lesbian night! Jenna Jameson!), and there will be booze everywhere. The only decorations in the house will be pornographic, and the televisions will be playing porn nonstop, night and day. These televisions cannot be turned off. There will be a lot of fighting. I don't mean "you don't know me" or "you didn't put the toilet seat down" fighting. I mean, physical, drunken, sexually frustrated, stupid frat boy brawling.

So, the last dude in the house wins, I don't know, some money (if Paradise Hotel is any indication, and it really should be, then we don't really need to even figure out what they win until, oh, maybe one show before the finale).

My other idea is a soap opera based in the world described by the Weekly World News. We could call it "As the Weekly World Turns" and it would be populated by aliens, ghosts, serial killers, the bat boy, etc. Except it would be done completely straight -- no wink wink (ahem, "snakes on a plane") bullshit, straight up daytime, alien, bat boy love drama.

So what's your show?

Oh, and Playboy Network -- you can get in touch with me and Jake through this blog. The rights to Porn House are totally for sale.