My use of simile sucks as bad as the river tide

Not that The Onion is washed up or anything (and maybe I just like to think I'm pressed for time), but I stopped reading the articles a year or two ago. Laughing at the titles was good enough, like enjoying an SNL skit but hating the resulting 3 hour movie that stretched the concept as thin as a wagon wheel.

With this article, however, I insist that you peel away the "title" layer, for the knee-slapping, tear-inducing "onion-ness" underneath, IF you know what I mean.