Dear People Who Think Dane Cook is Funny

What the fuck? What? The? Fuck?


You really do?


Wow. Um, okay.

So this is the thing: I caught about a half hour -- literally all I could take before my head exploded, and not from laughter -- of Dane Cook's Vicious Circle on HBO the other night. I watched you people greeting this guy like he was the comedic version of Muhammed Ali, watched you stand and applaud and cry and laugh and poke each other as he sauntered hippily into whatever arena he had filled up with you people. And then I watched as he launched into the lamest, unfunniest, lamest, most stupid, lamest, and lamest routine I'd ever heard.

And I watched you, People Who Think Dane Cook Is Funny. I watched you react with uproarious laughter, tears literally streaming down your faces, mouths open in unbelieving delight. I watched you lean into one another, unable to support your own weight under the incredible comedic tidal wave of jokes like this:

...so these people who give you directions, right? There's always a place, you know, like a place where you've, like, gone too far. Like, and if you hit the railroad tracks, bro, you've gone too far. And you're driving along like, 'if you hit the railroad tracks...' [feigns driving, bumping over tracks]...FUCK!

And to that "joke," you, the People Who Think Dane Cook Is Funny, were out of your seats, standing and clapping and crying with delight and making that lame-ass giant finger thing you do. You couldn't believe how funny that joke was.

And that wasn't the only lame joke that you loved. You practically exploded at every hippy gambol Dane Cook took around his little ring of a stage. When he said, "and you know your parents are the worst people to call when you feel like you might cry, because your mom can always touch just the right buttons, bro, you know, to make you, like, cry. And your dad just makes you feel like a pussy for the whole thing," you went absolutely nuts. You had never heard anything so funny.

So....what's the story? You guys know that's not funny, right? I mean really not funny. Not. Funny.

Oh no no no no no, not at all with the funny.

So help me out. Let me inside the curtain here. Was this show actually in some other, secret language that I don't know? Like that "ubby dubby" language I could never quite figure out on Zoom? Maybe in that Other Language, these jokes are just like a Chris Rock or Lewis Black routine, and all I'm missing is the decoder ring that will let me into a whole new world of comedy bliss.

Or maybe you were Laughing Ironically, like how you were probably doing at Snakes on a Plane. Is that it? Because I have Laughed Ironically, People Who Think Dane Cook is Funny. I own Point Break on DVD. And what you were doing looked a whole lot like Laughing For Real.

Maybe you were shitfaced. Maybe I just couldn't see the beer spread out throughout the crowd, using the Preakness Infield Ratio of one case of Milwaukee's Best Light per person. Maybe they had pumped pot directly into the ventiliation. Maybe your Mountain Dews were spiked with ecstasy.

Is that it? Please tell me that's it. Please tell me you don't really think this lame-ass, middle of the road, dumb-guy comedy is funny. Don't tell me you can't see that Dane Cook is like ten years too old to ever call anybody "Bro."

People Who Think Dane Cook Is Funny, you should get off myspace for awhile, even if you are Dane Cook's Friend Number 1,223,201. Trust me, he'll still be there when you get back.

Take a look around. Check out a Chris Rock concert. Catch the Lewis Black show on HBO. Watch old Chappelle's Show reruns. Hell, watch old Barney Miller or Sanford and Sons reruns.

But then again, you think Dane Cook is funny, so you probably wouldn't like any of that stuff I mentioned above.

Actually, I think I might know who you people are, and it explains a lot about many things that perplex me. You probably bought that Pussycat Dolls album, didn't you? You vote for your favorites on American Idol. And you set your Tivo for According to Jim. You went to see Snakes on a Plane and it made you feel smart and ironic, didn't it?

I know who you voted for in the last two elections, People Who Think Dane Cook is Funny.

But I have to admit that you sure did seem to be having a good time watching Dane Cook's Vicious Cirle, and I guess that's harmless enough. Its only Comedy, or the Lack of Comedy, right? And if Jessica Simpson is the only person who gets hurt in all this, I suppose we're all a little ahead of the game.


Mike said...

I think it's a generational thing. See, you might not know this, Dave, because you haven't taught college freshmen, but kids these days are really fucking stupid.

aaron said...

I gave Dane a chance. I thought his monologue on SNL was okay, but then in the Target skit, he was awful in the same way that a brother or sister is awful in a high school play; you kind of feel bad even thinking about making fun of them.

At least in his new movie, there is the chance that he and Jessica Simpson will become an item and set in motion the End Of Days that has been long foretold.

jchris said...

I watched five minutes of tourgasm, just enough to see Dane throw a hissy over getting shot at close range in a game of paintball. It was like watching a six-year-old melt down, only with more words bleeped out. I guess being a dick is the point of the show, but I never even made it to the standup.

Mike said...

Tourgasm was funny mainly because of this one kind of pint-sized guy (I forget his name) who was getting his "big break" by being on the tour. Except he cried when one of the other comics made fun of him, and every night when he introduced the other comics he flubbed the same lame joke about how he was going to be the "killing people with kindness serial killer." Told properly, the joke still wouldn't have been funny, but the guy's lack of any semblance of timing certainly didn't help.

Maybe the strategy was that after you heard that guy attempt his terrible joke, Dane Cook would seem hilarious.

TMC said...

I miss Mitch Hedberg

TMC said...

oh, and mike is right about freshmen.
Really fucking stupid.

Excuse me while I get back to grading some papers.

Mike said...

Well, Dave, it goes down like this. Dnae Cook is funny because his routines relate to shit we've all been through. You exampled the driving and not realizing you missed the spot until you hit the landmark past, we've all done it. Not to mention the energy he brings into the stage. You really should learn to relax and just enjoy life more. If you would stop thinking so critically about things and just enjoy life, maybe you wouldn't be such a tight ass. So su-fi to ya bro, have a good life.

franco said...

I agree.Dana Cook is fucking stupid.Any one who thinks he is funny is fucking stupid too. he has no jokes.all he does is bending backwards and forwards and people die laughing.fucking people I tell you.

Thomas Jones said...

You seem to be giving examples of his worst skits. You really should try and point out something wrong with atheist sneeze.


Here's the link. Just for likes on an extremely obscure app used for below mediocre comic relief blogging (and whining) I'm going to explain each joke in a way you can't argue with (and likely will ignore). Ok? Ok.

0:07 - Not funny the first time but builds on humor through repetition throughout the skit.
0:12 - A cheap albeit effective comparison.
0:13 - Immediately improves with the exploitation of the sneeze
0:16 to 0:30 - Anticipation for the next joke.
0:35 - Less cheap comparison
0:41 - two in one double repetition
0:46 - speaks slightly more casually (subtle difference) and says something that sounds slightly less refined.
0:59 - Use of a harshly dramatized word, debris, really paints a picture. a gross one.
1:05 - Moderately cheap comparison.
1:09 - Repetition combined with dramatic poetry style spacing between sets of words in juxtaposition with silly dance.
1:15 to 1:35 - Sassyness combined with anticipation.
1:37 - Even more sass.
1:38 - I realize this is clickbait.
Later - I get lazy and watch Windex genie because they cut this out of the video.