Press Release of the Week: This one's for the ladies

We here at Barrelhouse have been accused of being too man-centered. A boys' club. Maxim-esque, even. Which is totally unfair: Barrelhouse loves the ladies! To prove it, this week's Press Release of the Week is all about you: the smokey-throated broads, the flaxen-haired beauties, the dames with gams that just won't quit.

Listen, ladies. We men know we're hard to please. We spend all our time on the couch watching sports or sports highlights or shows in which Algonquin roundtables of journalists and ex-athletes analyze sports and sports highlights. Sometimes we also watch The Simpsons, or Miss America. We communicate via a series of grunts and crotch adjustments. To other men, these signals are clear: pass me another beer; this bean dip's giving me the toots; that LaDainian Tomlinson fella sure does run good; is it just me, or is Miss Rhode Island always kind of a woofer? But to you women, these grunts are as meaningless as whale calls or monkey shrieks. We know this. We understand. We feel your pain.

But PROTW is here to help. PROTW is gonna tell you what it is your man wants.

Are you ready for this super-secret information I'm going to pass along to you? Do you appreciate the extreme gravity of this situation? Do you understand how if this information fell into the wrong hands -- the hands of the terrorists, for instance -- it could be used to undermine all the freedoms and liberties we take for granted? Do you have a pen or a pencil?

Here it comes....

Socks.

That's right, ladies: socks. Or, well, not socks, exactly, but the perfect way to buy socks..

"Socks are an absolute essential, yet it takes an hour to purchase a good pair, what with all the travel and the actual shopping," says Jacqueline Grau, founder of MySockService.com. "For the busy man of today, MySockService.com offers the easy solution of buying good socks online."

Socks. Online. Fucking brilliant.

But wait, ladies. There's more. Because you're not just ordering socks online for your man, which is something you could do on ebay, or amazon.com. No, no. This is a sock subscription service. All you do is order once, and every three to four months, your man will receive a packet of fresh black socks on his doorstep.

The idea came from Grau's husband, who worked in the software industry:

While working with numerous industry executives and company representatives, he noticed that they were all dressed very well, but the transition between shoes and suit just wasn't there. Some were wearing torn socks, while others were wearing mismatched colors, such as blue socks with a black suit and or even white socks with a black suit.

The socks get shipped three or four times a year, in packages of three, for the cost of approximately $9. Customers pick between black calf, over the calf, no-show, all in cotton, merino wool or cashmere. The web site also sells socks made solely in the US, since the US hosiery industry is currently taking a hit from socks manufactured overseas.

So there you go. You get your black socks, you avoid the mall, and you get to stick it to the foreigners. What more could a man want?

What's that? Huh?

Christ, you people are never satisfied. Colors? Patterns? Let's keep this simple, ladies. If we men can remember to wear white socks with athletic shoes, black socks with dress shoes and no socks with sandals, I personally think we deserve a high five and a cold beer. Anything more is probably going to confuse us. In fact, maybe we ought to make that one of those "Man Laws" I keep hearing so much about.

Speaking of "Man Laws" -- how's that for a transition? -- here's something else you can get for your man: a date with a bunch of half-drunk former athletes! Via ebay, you can bid on an opportunity to host former players Tony Dorsett, Jay Novacek, Keith Byars and Seth Joyner at your very own house for the Eagles-Cowboys game.

The highest bidder will be awarded a visit from the former players, who will show up at the winner's home to watch the entire game, debate football "Man Law" and discuss plays, calls and strategies. Additionally, the players will bring food, refreshments and a host of other surprises.

The bidding's currently at about two grand, which personally I think is a great bargain. Your man can find out what Tony Dorsett thinks about T.O.'s recent suicide attempt. He can finally settle the age-old question of whether ass slaps and hugs after a big play from your favorite team are appropriate signs of celebration or just kinda gay.

And while the boys are there, make sure you take down their shoe size so you can order them all some nice black socks.