It's Alive: Barrelhouse Issue Three

Perhaps you've noticed that the image to the right of this message changed recently, from a fluorescent orange Godzilla preparing to attack a group of unsuspecting villagers to a montage of fingers and car seats and little bugs crawling all over a nice lady's face.

If so: good catch, Eagle Eye!

If not: You really should pay more attention to your surroundings, pal. This is how people get mugged. Do you have your wallet right now? Are you sure?

But Mike, you're probably asking, what does this image change mean?

Good question! It means that Barrelhouse Issue 3 is available now on newsstands everywhere!

Or, well, not "everywhere." And not "newsstands," per se. "At select bookstores served by our distributor" would perhaps be more accurate. Also via The Internets.

No, I can't explain how the online ordering works, exactly, though I'm told it involves a series of tubes. I suspect it may be like the bank drive-through: you put your money into the tube, you wait a couple minutes, then out comes a freshly printed copy of Barrelhouse Issue 3 and a delicious stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Also, PayPal is involved somehow.

But Mike, you're probably asking, why do I want a copy of Barrelhouse Issue 3 when I've still got my copy of Issue 2 right here on my nightstand?

Jesus, you sure ask a lot of stupid questions.

Oh, God, no, don't cry. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just been a long week, and, hey, we'll go for ice cream later, okay? How's that sound? Do you like ice cream? Do you maybe want some chocolate ice cream, in a waffle cone, with some nice little sprinkles on top? Yeah? Does that sound good? Okay then, I'll make a deal with you: just be quiet for a couple more minutes while Daddy finishes selling these nice people their magazines.

Why does Daddy have to sell magazines? How about you ask Mommy about that the next time she comes home from Nordstrom's with like eight goddamn bags of -- hey, hey, no, don't start again. Of course Daddy loves Mommy. Joint what? How did you even learn that word? No, of course not. Ice cream and a comic book, okay? You like comic books? Whichever one you want. Sure, fine. Just give Daddy five minutes, okay? Okay?

Sorry about that, folks. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right: Barrelhouse Issue 3.

Look, not to badmouth Barrelhouse Issues 1 and 2, which were pretty freakin' sweet and all, but this is totally the best Barrelhouse ever. We’ve got interviews with George Saunders and Chuck Klosterman, which right there is pretty much worth the cover price, if you ask us. Plus a special section featuring Ed Asner poetry.

Yes, you read that right: we’ve got Ed Asner poetry. How hot is that? Pretty goddamn hottt (those extra t's, by the way, are meant to connote a level of hotness greater than what you'd generally associate with a thing that is hot. The kids are still doing that, right? Right?)

Barrelhouse Issue 3 also contains our usual super-hottt mix of non-Asner-related poetry, artwork and short stories, including one about a guy who just might break things off with his girlfriend because she doesn’t have the proper appreciation for Neutral Milk Hotel, and a story by a fellow named Chris Rock, but not that Chris Rock. I suspect it’s more tolerable sharing a name with Chris Rock than sharing a name with, say, Michael Bolton, or Rick Santorum, but it probably still gets a little annoying, especially when people keep asking you to do that one bit from I’m Gonna Git You Sucka about “how much for one rib?” and holy shit, that scene totally cracks me up every time.

Huh? Oh, right: Barrelhouse Issue Three.

Totally, totally hotttt. Don't believe us? How about you ask a little publication called The Washington Freakin' Post!

That just totally sealed the deal, didn't it? I hope so, because I've got some ice cream to buy. And enough shoes to make Imelda Marcos look like a homeless person. Hey ohhhhh! That right there, folks, is what we call a zingah!

Please, if you don't want my wife and children to starve, go to the website now and get your copy.

And while you're there, check out our new online issue! And our latest feature, the Barrelhouse Community Story, where you -- yes, that's right, you! -- can help us write a thrilling tale! Check it out! Do it! Now!