Welcome to the worst Oscars recap ever written. Girlfriend and I discussed honeymoon plans and drank very strong chocolate martinis during the show, only half-watching the doings of our Celebrity Overlords. So, there's a good chance most of this is wrong (with all the flashbacks, it was very confusing: Wait, did Cary Grant just win an Oscar? Did Nicholson get plugs?)
- That stripper-blogger lady won for her "Juno" script, and I died a little inside (Girlfriend groaned and said the stripper-blogger lady only became a stripper because no one was reading her blog).
- Some homosexual teenaged kid from Ohio won a trip to the Oscars and showed up in jeans and untucked polo shirt.
- Directors and producers are, on the whole, a not-so-attractive group of hirsute white dudes.
- A bunch of movies I haven't seen yet won awards they may or may not have deserved.
- Ratatouille won something! I saw Ratatouille! Yeah!
- Helen Mirren is 62 years old and I would totally hit that shit.
- After the awards, everyone in the theater donned turbans and engaged in a giant Pansexual Democrat Al Qaeda Orgy. Of course they cut the cameras before this happened, but c'mon, we all know this is what they do. It's the one night of the year Michael Moore doesn't have to auto-fellate.