Redskins Tight End Chris Cooley is Better, Drunker Than You

Wherein I breakdown this this "blog post" by Chris Cooley:

Chris Cooley is a big drunk:

Past fashionably late, she had given me way too much time to sit and drink, and I knew it would be hard not to make an ass out of myself...

...Maybe her dad brainwashed me one of the nights I passed out at her house, because no matter what happened, I was crazy about her. More likely it was her mom, since I was usually trying to impress the old man by drinking him under the table.

Chris Cooley's fiancee is a gold digger.
It was a Saturday night in the summertime and Christy was thinking about me. I would have never known what she had on her mind, but I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She confessed that it wasn't coincidence that brought her to the house and she was prepared. If looks were bait then I was hooked. She dressed to make men panic, but beyond that she was beautiful...Christy was fired from cheerleading two weeks after we started dating. Since her big paycheck ($75 a game) had come to an end, at least the sneaking around was over.

Chris Cooley's fiancee is also a tight end.

Some people are hating on Chris Cooley for having a hot NFL cheerleader fiancee, and he can't understand why, but in case things go wrong, he has a backup plan: Christy's mom.
While I can't wait to put the ring on I've had some resoundingly bad conversations over the last couple of months. Golf may have an uncountable list of ethics, though bothering a complete stranger about getting married is not one of them. First of all, I'm excited for the big day, so please don't feel sorry for me because marriage sucks for you. No, I'm not nervous, I don't want any marriage advice, and yes Christy's mom is still hot.

Based on the above evidence, and if Christy's mom won't have him, Chris Cooley can always pimp out his wife, as if he isn't already:

P.S. I think she's barely 21.

Dan Snyder may not be invited to the wedding.
It should at least be an interesting night. I've had calls from numerous wedding guests, most recently Dan Snyder's assistant asking what table they could find their seats. Obviously my easiest seating solution, anywhere you can find a chair.

(Translation: we'll send you the wedding DVD, Dan, that you can masturbate to in your barcalounger at home.)


Mike said...

That blog of his is pretty awesome. I particularly enjoyed his deft description of their relationship:

"As a couple early on we were controversial, but entirely smooth."

What more could a man ask for?

JP said...

That's going to be my new slogan. "Controversial, but entirely smooth." SO true.

I mean, it's no "Watermelon Up," but it'll have to do.