"How Come No One Celebrates My Alcoholism Like John Cheever's?"

All right,

I really have to go find a job now, but this op-ed from last week's The Onion put my entire life in perspective.

Highlight:
"Guess I should have scrawled out some delicately measured symbolism about the female desire for inner rebirth, and maybe I would have gotten the Pulitzer Prize instead of court-ordered counseling."