So, this isn't exactly a liveblog, thanks to Tivo and my having a tiny bit of a life, but it's close enough. Also: apparently 90210 has been moved to Tuesdays. Or maybe the one I caught last week was a replay? Either way: on with the show!
Last week on 90210, we learned that a) they're going to wring as much mileage as possible out of gratuitous nostalgia, and b) this is probably a good thing, since the new crop isn't really so interesting or funny or distinguishable from each other. Also, some things happened, most of which I've already forgotten about.
9:02: Someone on the writing staff clearly has a giant hard-on for Coldplay. Last week their music was featured in the opening credits, and this week's plot will evidently involve the Hot, Bitchy Girl going to Vegas for a Coldplay concert with her dad. Next week, Chris Martin will do a guest spot, in which he'll tell all these kids they're terrible human beings and they should stop mentioning his band.
9:05: When Rob Estes says "we're gonna have to bring a little Kansas to Beverly Hills," is it weird that I hope he means the band? Because "Carry on My Wayward Son" performed live from the West Beverly stage that once hosted Color Me Badd would make this show 23% more awesome.
9:10: Apparently Silver Silver is living in a homeless shelter, for some reason. One can only hope there'll be a guest spot by Dr. Mel Silver, who is evidently Silver's dad, and who I one time waited on in Charlotte, which made me all nervous and giddy, and then everyone else I worked with made fun of me for weeks.
9:15: The hot, bitchy girl whose name I haven't figured out yet just made the old Donna Martin "I Think These Oysters Might Be Spoiled" face. I always thought that was a Tori Spelling trademark, but maybe it's actually part of the 90210 Actor's Workshop?
9:22: Kelly Taylor is still hot, incidentally. Just in case you were wondering.
9:25: Brandon is the father of Kelly Taylor's child! Or maybe Dylan! Or maybe Steve Sanders! Kelly is doing that annoying thing of not mentioning a name so as to keep us all in suspense; she'll only say she and the father "had some history in high school," then a few years ago they "hooked up again," after which he disappeared, but now he wants "to play a part in the child's life." Please be Steve Sanders, please be Steve Sanders, please be Steve Sanders...
9:30: Meanwhile, the show's kids are doing some shit I just can't bother to care about.
9:35: Love Triangle Alert! The main female character, whose name I still don't know (she's Rob Estes's daughter) is involved with this super-rich dude who for their first date flew her to San Francisco on his private plane, but now she's also friends with the funny-quirky dude who she's obviously gonna fall totally in love with because c'mon, you think we've never watched these shows before?
9:40: If and when Brandon Walsh comes back and tries to wrench Kelly Taylor from the arms of the sensitive English teacher she's currently making out with, it will be a comical battle between Guy Who Looks Like a Guy Who's on TV and Guy Who Looks Like a Guy Who Used To Be on TV But Now Is Kinda Bloated and Regular-Looking. If Steve Sanders, on the other hand, comes back, I can only assume he'll look like Biff in Back to the Future II, after he made all that gambling money and ran the casino, with the tight pants and silk shirts and gold chains.
9:50: Apparently Silver has been living at a Women's Shelter, not a Homeless Shelter, because Mrs. Taylor has reverted into binge-drinking coke-crazed ex-television-star mode. And now Silver has a special bond with the black dude (adopted son of Rob Estes) because he "didn't grow up in a Cosby family" and knows what it's like to live with crappy parents, before he was adopted by his white saviors who took him away from all the poor, scary black people.
9:55: A slightly jowly Mrs. Taylor-Silver makes an appearance, looking kinda like a drunk Hillary Clinton.
Next week, on 90210: It looks like the show's writers are beginning to realize the older people are more interesting, as Brenda will try to steal away Kelly's boyfriend as payback for Dylan. Meow!