The New 90210: To Fuck or Not to Fuck

Previously on 90210: The New Class -- I was this close to never watching this dumb shit again, then all of a sudden they wooed me with The New Pornographers and the implied promise of a Dylan McKay appearance, and there were maybe fifteen seconds of non-wooden acting in which two of the characters approached the vicinity of human. So here I am again, another hour of my life I'll never get back.

0:03 -- Remember when The O.C.'s costume people kept putting Marissa in increasingly crazy hats? Silver Silver is currently wearing some head thingy that could best be described as a pair of pink velour boxers, minus the leg holes.

0:05 -- Rob Estes is shocked -- shocked! -- that his teenaged daughter is making out with a dude. Apparently seeing your teenaged daughter making out with a dude is enough to put Rob Estes and Aunt Becky into DEFCON 4, requiring all manner of Serious Talks about the pleasures of abstinence. My guess is we're meant to be reminded here that Rob Estes and Aunt Becky are from Kansas, where things are Simpler and Purer, where the young men come a'courtin' before taking the young ladies out for innocent walks over covered bridges or to the church-sponsored square dance, but this is problematic for two reasons: 1) it's almost impossible to believe that Rob Estes or Aunt Becky ever lived in Kansas, because Rob Estes and Aunt Becky look exactly like B-list Hollywood celebrities, not just because of the specific cuts of their respective jibs or stylings of their perfectly styled hair, but some deeper, soul-level thing that's hard to define but that's easily recognizable as soon as you see it (it's the same indefinable thing that makes it possible to see someone in a bar or coffeeshop and know, immediately and without even a shadow of doubt, that said person was once a cast member on a reality television show), and b) I grew up in small religiously minded towns, and teenagers in small religiously minded towns fuck like absolute rabbits, even more so than teenagers in large cosmopolitan population centers, because in large cosmopolitan population centers there are multitudes of activities to keep teenagers busy, whereas in small religiously minded towns there is absolutely nothing for teenagers to do after the Friday night football game but drink beers stolen from people's garages and then fuck like rabbits, plus in small, religiously minded towns none of the teenagers are allowed to receive sex ed, so that it's entirely possible for a young man to, just for instance, tell a girl it's not really sex if he puts in "just the tip, just to see how it feels." Which is, incidentally, exactly the series of events that led to the birth of RaceTrack Palin.

0:06 -- Is it weird I kinda want to see Beverly Hills Chihuaha? I guess I'm just a sucker for an adorable dog with a Latin American accent. Or maybe the past couple weeks of watching this show have made me 35% stupider.

0:15 -- If I were given the choice, right this minute, between never hearing Sarah Palin talk again, or never hearing this goddamned "Mama Who Bore Me" song from the West Beverly theater department's production of "Spring Awakening" ... well, I'll tell you, it would be a surprisingly difficult choice.

0:16 -- Look, I realize I'm 31, and as such am approaching obsolescence in terms of young-person hipness, but I also teach 18-21 year olds, and I'm pretty sure whatever slang term Silver Silver just uttered -- which sounded like "ho-bah" -- does not actually exist.

0:17 -- I feel like I should mention the actual plot of this episode, even though I don't really care. Apparently some girl I've never seen before, who's involved in the aforementioned Very Repetitive Musical, is having some kind of trouble at home involving a pushy stage mother, so Brenda Walsh -- who for some reason is now the play's director, despite not actually being an employee of the school -- is worried about her, blah blah blah. Side question: Did Brenda Walsh always have an obvious gap between her two front teeth, or is this a recent development? And if it's a recent development, what sort of thing could happen to a person between her early 20s and mid-30s to give that person a noticeable gap between her two front teeth? Once you hit 20, aren't your teeth pretty much your teeth, unless you have some kind of work done? And yet presumably no one would get work done to insert a gap between her two front teeth, right?

0:21 -- Chiseled Rich Guy got a hotel room in which to jump the bones of Rob Estes' daughter after the play's opening night! But she's not sure whether she's ready to have sex! The new 90210: going where absolutely every teen drama has gone before!  

0:25 -- So, the chick Brenda Walsh was worried about showed up to opening night on some kind of narcotics, which caused Brenda to make even more worried gap-toothed faces, then tell her she can't be in the play anymore, which means Rob Estes' daughter now has to play the lead! After which she will show Chiseled Rich Guy how the kids do it in Kansas (my guess is "in the ass," since every un-sex-educated teenager in a small, religiously minded town knows you can put whatever you want in your ass (well, if you're a girl) and still be pure in the eyes of our Lord).

0:34 -- Oh my God they're singing that goddamned "Mama Who Bore Me" song again. Does this musical have any other songs? 

0:40 -- Rob Estes' daughter just "borrowed" her brother's condom, which apparently he's been carrying around in his wallet for "four years." Incidentally, this is exactly the chain of events that resulted in the birth of Sarah Palin's other granddaughter, the one we're all supposed to pretend isn't actually her granddaughter.

0:42 -- There's some new Macy's ad featuring Tommy Hillfiger. Man, that is one weird-looking motherfucker. He should probably not go on the tee vee again.

0:51 -- Rob Estes' daughter just knocked on Chiseled Rich Guy's hotel room door, all ready to get her fuck on, except the door was answered by the girl who got kicked out of the play for being hopped up on goofballs, who's wrapped in a towel and drinking champagne while Chiseled Rich Guy is in the shower, and so now that 4-year-old condom is apparently not going to be unsheathed, or maybe she'll be forced to give it back to her brother, who right this very minute is making out with Silver Silver and just realized he didn't have his lucky totally-expired condom.

0:52 -- Chiseled Rich Guy isn't in the shower! Crazy Goofballs Girl just turned the water on! Because she's deceitful!

0:55 -- Rob Estes looks so happy to see his daughter at home, not having sex, that he might just explode. Kansas wins again!

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