I'm a bit behind on my 90210: The New Class blogging duties, as sometimes life gets in the way of my vapid-pop-culture consumption. I apologize; it won't happen again. As you may recall from last week's 90210, The Black (easily the most likable character on the show) made out with Silver Silver (the show's second most likable character). Also, the other people did some stuff I've already forgotten about. Significantly, there was no Dylan McKay appearance, though my fingers are crossed that such an appearance is imminent, since he's apparently Kelly Taylor's baby daddy. Since Dylan was about 35 in high school, I can only assume he now looks about like this.
0:02: I guess the show's writers aren't listening to me, because they've chosen to keep milking this lame story line about the wannabe actress girl who got kicked out of the play for being on goofballs. Now the mother insists her daughter doesn't use drugs, and will "sue the school" if they keep accusing her. This leads Rob Estes to make his "no, really, something is going on in here" face, which is kinda like the face Bret Michaels makes when he thinks about love. Acting, people! This is why Rob Estes makes the big money, and I make zero dollars even though I'm on this blog like two or three times a week handing out Important Life Lessons.
0:04: For instance, here's a life lesson -- apparently the 'Altoids sex trick' is possibly real or possibly an urban legend: nobody knows! But it won't kill you, so why not give it a try and then report back? Apparently the mom of the blandly hot chick read about it on "a cougar blog" and is gonna try it when she gets her groove on with everyone in the 90210 postal code who isn't her cheating husband.
0:06: Kelly Taylor just wondered aloud to Brenda Walsh about "how you deal with a child actor who probably peaked when she was 14." They're talking about the aforementioned Girl on Goofballs, but it kinda feels like it's meant to be one of those meta-jokes the kids enjoy so much these days (see: all the good parts of The O.C.) Only if it's a joke, I don't really get it. I guess Kelly and Brenda were "child actors" in a sense, on the original 90210, but they were 18 and 19, respectively, in the show's first season, so I'm not sure the meta-joke makes any sense.
0:07: Except now I no longer care about the meta-joke making sense because DYLAN MCKAY IS ON THE PHONE TALKING TO BRENDA! PLEASE LET HIM MAKE AN APPEARANCE THIS EPISODE SO I CAN STOP WATCHING THIS STUPID SHOW!
0:13: Apparently Dylan has been "off saving the world," whatever that means. Somehow I can't picture Captain Surly joining the Peace Corps, or feeding refugees in Darfur. Is it possible to save the world via smoldering glances?
0:20: God, this show is fucking boring. There's this whole plotline about the blandly hot chick's mom, who is also blandly hot, trying to get over her now ex-husband, who is blandly hot in the way of a creepy serial killer, and I can't imagine any sentient being who could care even a tiny little bit about these people's stupid fucking lives.
0:28: There seems to be an unwritten rule of rich-teen television shows in which they all have to feature a fashion show at some point. Is this really what rich teens do, go to fashion shows? Is this part of John Edwards' "two Americas" thing, where all the rich kids go to fashion shows and drink champagne and the rest of us drink lukewarm canned beers in parking lots or under the bleachers?
0:30: Dylan's in Africa! Or, was in Africa! And still talking to Brenda, apparently, which Kelly's none too happy about. Though, really, I don't think Kelly has much to worry about -- while it used to be possible to have a Who's Hotter? Kelly or Brenda debate, that debate would today be pretty much pointless. Kelly still looks great, while Brenda looks like she spent the last ten years working at a really smoky strip club with a terrible air ventilation system.
0:46: There's a guy on the show this week with possibly the most ridiculous haircut I've ever seen. It's not obviously ridiculous, when you first look at it it just looks kind of messy and hipstery, until you realize the guy has actually put mousse or putty or something into the hair on the back of his head, then pulled pieces of said hair out so that they look sorta like flames shooting out the back of his head. Like a faux-hawk, only on the back of his head. Is this actually a thing people are doing now? Oh, and now I can't examine his hair anymore because The Black knocked him the fuck out. Nice.
0:55: Cliffhanger! Kelly is taking her baby to see Dylan! The school has given her two weeks off! Could they make this a spinoff so I can watch it instead? Meanwhile, this means Silver Silver has to stay with Mel Silver and his "child bride." So maybe Mel will make an appearance, too! Except, no, wait, now Kelly says Silver Silver can just stay by herself at her (Kelly's) house. Is that even legal?
So, to recap: This show sucks, but next week might finally feature Dylan McKay. Or it won't, and I'll be angry again. Such is life!