10.02.2008

Meet Me in St. Louis (or don't, actually)

Apparently there's some kind of debate this evening, between Joe "Mad Dog" Biden and Sarah "Lipstick'd Dog" Palin. Conventional wisdom is that Biden can't be too mean, or else people might feel bad for Palin, while Palin needs to somehow not be a moron. Of course the whole thing's already biased against Alaska's wolf-shootingest governor, since the moderator apparently wrote some book about black politicians and therefore is totally In The Tank for Barry and -- like Katie Couric, plus every lady on The View except that Hasselbeck chick -- is no doubt a horrible Sexist who will expect Sarah Palin to have actual knowledge and not just folksy platitudes.


She'll no doubt give softball questions to Biden, like "What's your favorite color?" (right answer: black) or "On a scale of 1 to 10, how awesome is Barack Obama?" 

Meanwhile, she'll pepper Palin with totally mean "gotcha journalism" questions like "Please identify Iraq on this map," or "The knee bone's connected to the what bone?" Palin will answer these questions by smearing lipstick all over everything.

The cool kids are always suggesting drinking games to make these thingies more fun, like "take a shot every time Biden talks about riding the Amtrak train," or "drink a gallon of lighter fluid every time Palin stares blankly at the camera, then says she'll get back to us with an answer." But really these games just won't suffice this time. The only way to make this debate palatable is to start drinking right now, maybe throw in a few painkillers (just crush them up and stir into a pitcher of PBR or whatever kind of fortified wine you can afford now that we're all basically poor hobos), and with any luck you'll be completely unconscious by the time the debate starts at 9. Then tomorrow morning you can watch the two or three funny clips on YouTube.


7 comments:

Mike said...

Footnote: Everyone keeps saying this debate is crucially important, but I actually think it's not at all important. I mean anyone supporting the Republican ticket at this point is either a) supporting the ticket despite Sarah Palin (i.e. hoping she'll just be inconsequential in the bigger picture, a la Dan Quale, and also assuming/hoping McCain won't kick it before his time in office is up), or b) the sort of person who for reasons I can't comprehend likes the fact that Sarah Palin is Just Like The Rest of Us (i.e. dumb) so any dumbness in tonight's debate will only increase their incomprehensible love for her.

On the Democratic side, I don't really get the sense that anyone's supporting or not supporting Obama because of Joe Biden, so that if he's "too mean" or whatever the only people who will be bothered by this are already in category b) above, and if he's not mean enough the only people who will be bothered by his un-meanness will vote for Obama anyway and just be kinda grumpy after the debate.

Really the only thing that could change the race, if you ask me, is if a) Palin shits all over an American flag or b) Biden rips off a mask to reveal he is, in fact, a Scary Black Man and then reveals he and Obama's plan to enslave the entire white race.

Sallyb said...

A simply fantastic post. Thank you so much for the insight into the importance (or not)of tonight and for the laugh. Problem...I can't begin drinking my cheap wine til I get home from work at 9:30. Will I be too late?
By the way, did you guys ever think that, just maybe, McSame is the actual Manchurian Candidate, turned to the dark side in that Vietnamese prison and now exacting revenge on the U.S.?

Mike said...

Footnote #2: Do you think this lady could go one sentence without uttering the word "also"? It's a weird verbal tic, the way other people say "like" or "um." Is this an Alaska thing? I've never heard anyone say "also" so goddamned much. It's just weird.

Also: nice to see we might go 12 years with someone in the White House who pronounces "nuclear" just like Homer Simpson.

TMC said...

you wanna know who pronounces words correctly? Elites. Filthy, Godless elites.

dave said...

Maverick maverick maverick blah blah maverick maverick you betcha maverick golly maverick maverick Washington maverick governor you betcha maverick maverick maverick.

Mike said...

Footnote #3: I assume all those winks were meant to be read as "You people realize the other guy is a BLACK, right? Right?"

JP said...

Wait, I thought the winks meant she was totally willing to hit the voting couch, so to speak. I guess maybe she *wasn't* asking for it, then? Hmmm. Yeah. I feel a little stupid. Miscommunication, there.