4.10.2006

Worst. Title. Ever.

I haven't actually seen the movie, but Lucky Number Slevin strikes me as the wrong choice for a film title. One of its problems becomes obvious as soon as you try to type it out -- my computer doesn't have an "upside-down 7" key, so am I supposed to type an uppercase L? Or lowercase? Or maybe just a 7? Who knows? Also, the title sounds really silly out loud.

Anyway, this got me to thinking: what are the worst movie titles of all time? The ill-conceived, the embarrasingly hokey, the too cute or too gross or too obvious or too confounding?

I'll suggest a few, to get things started:

--Gigli. With all the attention being paid these days to "word-of-mouth marketing," you'd think the studio's publicity department would have insisted on a name that people actually knew how to pronounce.

--Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. It's been a few years since it's release, and I still have no idea what this movie is about. Nor do I have any desire to find out.

--K-Pax. Sounds less like a movie than like a high-powered serum to get rid of unsightly herpes sores.

--Teen Wolf Too. Actually, this space is reserved for all movie sequels that substitute "too" for "two." I suppose it's accurate, in this case, since Jason Bateman is in fact also a teen wolf, rather than the same teen wolf from the first film having a second series of adventures. Maybe we should be grateful to Hollywood for using "too" or "the next" (as in The Next Karate Kid) to signal that the movie is so bad it can't be said to have any formal relation to the original, except that it needs to trade on the familiar name or else no one will pay to see it.

--Cop and 1/2.

--Santa with Muscles. Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire who gets amnesia and thinks he's Santa Claus. So I guess the title is an example of truth in advertising, at least.

--Feeling Minnesota. I know this title's supposed to sound all sensitive and literary and shit, but whenever I see the box in the video store, I picture a blind Keanu Reeves lost in the Midwest and crawling around on his hands and knees trying to find the interstate.

--To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

--Smila's Sense of Snow. Maybe Blind Keanu would have an easier time of it if he brought Smila along.

--C.H.U.D.

--Gayniggers from Outer Space. Oh, how I wish I were making this up.

I'm sure there are lots more. Fellow Barrelhousers, what say you?

9 comments:

TMC said...

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Tagline: "The first testament says "an eye for an eye." - The second testament says "love thy neighbour." - The third testament ... Kicks Ass!!!"

Other tagline: "The Power of Christ Impales You."

Lesley said...

While I agree that there are some terrible film names out there, I do disagree with C.H.U.D. being one of them. Calling the film Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers would have been much worse.

I am happy to say that I couldn't remember all that off the top of my head. I could only remember cannibalistic.

dave said...

"Dying Young." Who the fuck is going to go see a movie called "Dying Young?" Gee, I sure hope Campbell Scott and Julia Roberts get all married and settled down and then...oh, um, yeah...and then he dies. Young.

Mike said...

CHUD is just a funny-sounding word. Like cud. Or choad. But I agree that title is better than the non-acronym version.

I thought of another one: "The Constant Gardener." I understand this is actually a pretty good movie, but the promise of uninterrupted gardening makes me want to take a nap.

Mike said...

Update: Gayniggers from Outer Space is available via Google Video

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5121649266422516795&q=

It's not pornography, as you might imagine. Just a rather bizarre, low-budget flick about gay spacemen scared of Earth women. The characters all have names like Captain B. Dick, Arm-in-Ass and Sgt. Shaved Balls

TMC said...

by the way, the title "gayniggers from outer space" is sure to cause some great search terms to lead to this website now.

joe said...

The Passion of THE Christ always pissed me off. I'm totally fine with someone making a movie about Jebus--to each their own and what not--but only a Flanders-esque douche bag would throw the second "the" in.

Even the extreme nuns in Catholic school didn't pull that shit out.

TMC said...

The lesson, as always: Mel Gibson is a douche.

kylos said...

i'm a bit late to the game... but i wanted to add:

Looking for Mr Goodbar (it's not about candy!)

The Englishman who Went up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain (just stupid)

Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid, AKA Zeisters ( i aint kidding)

The Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck (kind of funny though)

Hope Floats (huh?)