Commercials That Confuse, Anger or Frighten Me

Dave already hit on one series of ads that confuses me, with his funny and insightful commentary on the new Mac spots (PCs can't play video or music, apparently. Who knew?). Here are some other recent advertisements of note:

1. "Drinks like a soda, kicks like an energy drink." I realize that not all of you in Barrelhouse World live in close proximity to a Big Ten college with an exclusive Coca Cola beverage contract, so perhaps you haven't been inundated with this ad for Vault. Apparently I don't know very much about either sodas or energy drinks, since I always thought the only difference between them was one of degree. Drinking a Mountain Dew, for example, allows you to compete in a variety of exxxxtreme sports without tiring, whereas drinking a Red Bull allows you to dance to thumping techno music for approximately thirteen hours while wearing designer jeans and a striped button-down shirt opened to expose your perfectly waxed chest.

Apparently, though, to the truly advanced palate, a soda and an energy drink are completely different animals. No one who is truly refined could possibly enjoy the way an energy drink "drinks," while only grandmas and very small children are impressed by the "kick" of your average soda. Vault, then, is the perfect solution: a soda with -- get this! -- loads and loads of caffeine. Brilliant!

The tag line for this ad is similar to saying "Drinks like a 1982 Chateau Lafitte, kicks like a gallon jug of Thunderbird." (And when they invent that product, please, someone let me know.)

2. KFC's new bowl dishes. When I was in college, I had a roommate who we'll call, for the sake of anonymity, Ben. Ben was famously lazy. One time, when we lost our television remote, Ben used an old broom handle to change the channel so that he wouldn't have to get up from the couch. Ben's laziness was matched only by his hungriness. He would eat almost anything, at any time of day. Ben tried the Atkins diet once, but instead of eliminating bread, he just ate more meat. Surprisingly, the "diet" didn't work so well.

One night, my roommates and I came home from a party to find Ben passed out on the couch, a few beer cans and a plate of half-eaten food on the coffee table. This was nothing out of the ordinary, of course. Except for what Ben had eaten: spaghetti noodles, a few slices of bologna, a couple slices of American cheese, all doused with plenty of ketchup.

Now, Ben could perhaps be forgiven for his weird food concoction. He was drunk, after all, and perpetually hungry, and he was just making do with what he could find in the kitchen. But what's KFC's excuse for an entree featuring mashed potatoes, fried chicken fingers, corn, cheddar cheese, and gravy? This dish sounds like something a second grader would be forced to eat after mixing up all his cafeteria food to gross out his friends. Cheese and gravy? Even Ben could tell you that shit doesn't go together.

If you find yourself eating one of these new KFC bowls, just go ahead and throw on a pair of sweatpants, because you've officially given up on life.

3. Sprite's "Sublyminol" ads. These ads go in the "frighten" category. Wasn't torture once considered a bad thing? The plot of the ads, if you haven't seen them, is essentially this: A man who for some reason has a tongue coming out of his eye socket (I think) is strapped down to an examining table and poked and prodded by "scientists" who force him to think Sprite is delicious. Also, for some reason, there are sumo wrestlers. Periodically, the word "Obey" flashes across the screen. The theme seems to be: we're poking fun -- scary, scary fun -- at subliminal advertising, while also engaging in subliminal advertising. Genius!

Of course it should come as no surprise that Sprite is on the cutting edge of advertising. This is the same company that made itself the official beverage of basketball and hip hop by hosting "Sprite Zone" parties that got air time on MTV as if they were real concerts and not just marketing orgies full of paid audience participants.

4. Dow Chemicals "The Human Element." Apparently Dow has invented a new element, or cloned a human, or something. I have no idea what's going on in this commercial, actually, except that the narrator sounds kinda like Jack Handy from SNL "Deep Thoughts" fame. And his "insights" are just as insightful. The message of the commercial seems to be that Earth would be different if humans weren't around. Also, you should buy Dow stock. I mean, look, if they're cloning a new master race, you'd better get on board now, or risk getting crushed.

Hi, I'm a PC...and I'm a self-righteous, annoying little hoodie-wearing slacker hipster bitch

Great article in Slate recently about those "I'm a Mac...and I'm a PC" ads that are all over my television and my computer lately.

At first glance, I thought these ads were pretty clever. They're low-key, brand-appropriate (how did Apple somehow brand the color white and the concept of space?), and get across the basic idea that Macs are easier to use than PCs, while PCs are still the primary computers of real (read: boring, unhip) businesspeople.

But, as suggested in the article -- Mac Attack: Apple's Mean-spirited New Campaign, by Seth Stevenson -- there's something else happening here, which is most likely making these ads a little less effective, or perhaps more effective (at playing to popular notions about the two systems and their users, that is) than Apple intended.

The thing is this: that Mac kid comes off as kind of a sanctimonious little hipster poser prick. Exactly the kind of person your stereotypical PC user -- who is, we have to assume, the audience for this ad -- would cite as an example of why a Mac is in fact not a reasonable alternative to the PC. Which is kind of odd, given that the Mac is played by the same dude who played a geek really successfully in Dodgeball and the TV series Ed.

Anyway, the argument goes something like this: the only people who use Macs are graphic designers, hipster posers who don't know what they're doing, and fictional people on television enjoying the benefits of product placement.

The PC is played by John Hodgeman, a writer and Daily Show contributor and exactly the kind of person who might actually be able to persuade smart, busy, wannabe hip PC-users to reconsider the Mac.

While all the conceits of the ads are familiar -- Macs are better for music, videos, and flirting with pretty women who are playing the role of "my new Japanese camera" -- are any of these things really persuasive arguments why one should buy a Mac? Sounds like it can do what my stereo, mp3 player, and television already do.

So let me get this straight: I can buy a Mac to replicate what all of the things I already have do already, and then all I'll need is something to do my computer work on, like writing and keeping track of shit and accessing the Internet.

Don't get me wrong. I actually like the ads, and I've considered getting a Mac in the past. But for now, they just make me feel that, if Hodgeman is the PC and that kid from Ed, all scruffied up and hipper-than-thou, is the Mac, I'm pretty much good to go with my PC. After all, dude, to quote a past computer pitchman who I really couldn't stand, I got a Dell.

A Higher Power Than Vince McMahon?

Mike is apartment hunting in Negadelphia today, so its up to me to fill in the crazy fundamentalist gap today, which is why I am proud to bring you the Christian Wrestling Association.

Praise him, brother, and watch out for the piledriver.

Vince Vaughn bestrides Hump Island like some sort of Colossus.

Ryan Seacrest is Naomi Watts to Vince Vaughn's King Kong--shorn, of course.

Too good not to link to

No Rules Cinema from AllMovie.com

An entertaining article on over-the-top movies; though how Transporter II didn't make the list is a mystery to me. In this movie, the hero removes a bomb attached to the bottom of his car by jumping off a drawbridge and scraping the mainsail of a yacht. Priceless.

AllMovie.com is an indispensable tool (though far from comprehensive; that's what IMDB is for) that just mimicked it's brother AllMusic.com's redesign. Which I'm not sure is a good thing. Yet. But enjoy the article.

Britney, Matt, and Summer TV Options

Summer's here and for those of you who haven't scavenged the FX network as carefully as some of us, here are some summer viewing suggestions to keep your brain on cruise control straight through til football season.

First of all, as Paul Stanley might say, People let me get something off my chest: I know I'm not the only one in Barrelhouse-land who caught that Britney Spears interview last week. Wow. Um...yeah...wow.

So its hard to even mention that thing without noting at least that she looked like a drag queen version of Britney Spears, like maybe a central Pennsylvania factory worker drag queen version of Britney Spears, with all of the style decisions that implies. If you're coming on TV to repair your image or "set the record straight" or whatever, you really shouldn't dress like you're running down to the DQ for a blizzard. I know she's pregnant, and I know she's a child, a tiny little mental baby child, and I know she's perhaps borderline mentally impaired, but come on, man -- at least let somebody make you look kind of somewhat partially presentable.

And Lauer has no excuse for that jeans, blue jacket, no socks and loafers combo he had going. There's something very, very wrong with a man who goes on national television wearing loafers and no socks. Very, very, wrong.

By the way, are we getting to the point where, like Carrot-Top and Mathew Lesko before him, we have to give Kevin Federline a grudging amount of respect for at least pulling off this ridiculous stunt/grift thing he has going?

And can we please make "The Stars" sign some kind of contract that says part of being a star is that you'll be treated like one, with all the attendant hassles that implies, and those hassles will probably multiply depending on how large a star you become (kind of like, you know, don't have that last shot unless you're ready for a bitch of a hangover tomorrow) and, you know, if you're not up for that, don't bother trying so desperately to get our attention?

I guess we can call the competition off and present the gold medal to Christina Aguilera, huh?

Okay, now that that's over, here's some summer TV for all y'all (in addition to Entourage and Deadwood, which I assume you're all watching, since you are not dumbasses):

Supergroup:
Sebastian Bach is brilliantly annoying, enough so that he's most likely next in the Flavor Flav spin-off of the month club. In fact, lets skip the middle-man and just put Seb and Flav in a car, set them driving cross-country with some kind of made-up objective, and let the high-larity ensue. If the idea of watching Sebastian Bach force the likes of Ted Nugent and Jason Bonham to watch The Gilmore Girls sounds good to you, then you'll love love love this show.

Rescue Me:
Man, this is a great show. Any fans of The Wire (which remains, while we wait for season 4, the best show on TV -- even in reruns, season 3 is electrifying and if you haven't seen it, get with it and start now) or The Shield who aren't watching Rescue Me are crazy. Funny, complex, and dark, this drama about firemen in NYC is stretching out from its post 9/11 premise to become one of the best comedy/dramas on TV.

Dennis Leary is spellbinding as the tortured and unpredictable Tommy Gavin, and as the series creator I have to give him credit for continually making Tommy a very complex and hard-to-like character. Just when he gets his shit together and stops drinking, he goes and lets his youngest son get killed by a drunk driver, or beats the living shit out of his brother at their father's birthday party. John Scurti should be making a run at a best supporting actor nomination for his portrayal of Kenny Shea, the easygoing Lt. in the midst of a scary downward spiral -- and the thing about Rescue Me is they do not turn away, like so many shows might, from the downward spiral. And extra credit to any show that finds room for Susan Sarandon, Tatum O' Neal, and Marisa Tomei, all of whom join the cast this season. Seriously, watch.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:
The initial season of this show, a very oddball comedy about four friends who open up a bar in Philly, was about 75% brilliant and 25% stupid/annoying. It is most definitely not for everybody. If the listing of last season's episodes, which sound like a twisted version of afterschool specials, sound funny to you, then you should be watching. If they sound like you might have to get on the horn with Sen. Rick Santorum, then you should probably stay away. There's the one on teen drinking (the gang decides that a good way to improve bar business is to let underage kids drink, and then they all wind up trying to be popular in high school again), the one on sexual predators (Rob McElhenny’s Mac is upset that a high school gym teacher had molested the less attractive Charlie, but not him), cancer (Charlie pretends to have cancer so a girl will like him), and abortion (Mac and Dennis go to an anti-abortion rally to pick up chicks, wind up switching sides because the pro-choice women are all, you know, serious and stuff).

Hopefully this season, with the addition of Danny Devito, will improve on what was a pretty good show already. If the commercials are any indication, this season will be brilliant. My favorite is the remake of the Friends opening, which starts off as a note-by-note replication of that annoying, I’ll Be There For You, fountain frolic and then ends up as a messy brawl that’s eventually scattered by the cops.

Here's a snippet of dialogue from one of the commercials for the new season, featuring brother and sister Dennis and Sweet D talking to father Danny DeVito:

Dennis: We need to talk to you about something Dad.

Sweet D: It's kind of disturbing.

Dad: You guys aren’t bangin’ are you?

Both: No!

SD: That's disgusting.

Dad: Yeah it is! Stay away from that kind of thing. Nothing good can come of that.

Dennis: God, that's not why we called you here.

Dad: It better not be, because I don’t want no retard grandkids.

Dennis: I am not having sex with my sister!

Random woman: Are you two having sex with each other?

Dad: Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis.

Dennis: I am not banging my sister, Dad!

The 4400:
It’s low-rent but high concept. The idea: all of the people abducted by aliens over the past 60 years are returned, all at once, with no memory of where they’ve been and some additional powers that may or may not help humankind. Last season was a kind of X Files rip-off, with a male/female team tracking one 4400 at a time. This season has gotten into interesting territory, with congressional hearings, government cover-ups, and some pretty nicely toned gray areas. If you can get over the cheesy production values and the let your imagination go, and if you still miss the X Files, The 4400 is definitely worth a look.

Vroom, vroom, mofos!

You should all go out right now and see Cars.

I know you probably think I'm just being "clever" or "ironic," but I'm really not. Cars is completely awesome, for all of the following reasons:

• I laughed out loud, over and over again. Even at Larry the Cable Guy, who's usually just an annoying parody of a racist redneck. Who knew that the secret to Larry's comic genius would be serving up the jokes while masquerading as a cartoon towtruck? Of course it probably helped that the screenwriters wrote the actual jokes, so all Larry had to do was have a funny voice. Git 'er done!

• The animation is incredible. I know this will make me sound like an old person, but it really is amazing what the kids can do with the animation these days. At times, it did seem like the Pixar people were just showing off. Hey look, a waterfall for no good reason! But, man, it sure was cool looking.

• I'm not positive, but I think there was a veiled reference to Wedding Crashers. At one point, Bonnie Hunt's character, Sally Carerra (a Porsche) is driving away from Owen Wilson's character (racecar Lightning McQueen), and Wilson makes a crack about her tattoo that's reminiscent of the Wedding Crashers "might as well be a bullseye" comment. Or I could just be imagining this because I'm a pervert.

• For two hours, I forgot that I hated NASCAR.

• Tony Shalhoub does a really funny Italian voice, which reminded me of his character in Big Night, which is another totally awesome movie you should see, if you haven't.

• The central conflict of the movie is basically recycled from Doc Hollywood. Sure, they kinda stole it, but if you're gonna steal, might as well steal from the best, right?

• One way the movie is better than Doc Hollywood: the legal sentencing actually makes sense (who gets sentenced to work in a hospital after crashing into a fence?). One way the movie is worse than Doc Hollywood: no boobies.

• The NPR "Car Talk" guys get a guest spot.

Wing Nut Of The Week: I always forget the one about coveting

Hello, loyal Barrelhousers. Sorry for the short post this week, but sometimes, believe it or not, I do have things on my agenda other than writing blog updates (today's mission: leave the apartment!)

But just because I plan to venture into the "outside world" today, I didn't want to leave you empty handed. So enjoy this interview with Georgia Congressman Lynn Westmoreland. He's not exactly crazy, but he's got potential. At any rate, he's certainly not the poster child for intelligence in government. If you're going to sponsor a bill requiring the Ten Commandments to be posted in the halls of Congress, it's maybe not such a terrible idea to know more than three of them.

If you're really dying for some genuine Wing Nuttery, feel free to fish around this web site, which has it in spades. I particularly enjoyed the section on Harry Potter.

More Names Attached to Spam Emails Sent to the Barrelhouse Inbox That I Wish Belonged to Actual People

--Flossie Morrison
--Pullout Q. Daydreaming
--Voracious Stepson
--Pornbot
--James Earl Jones
--detox4u
--Nursing A. Bullshit
--Weronika Bolinger
--Fields Fields
--e-bay member welsh-druid
--Smirked S. Shirtwaist
--Baselines S. Banjoist
--Pastor
--Bassoons P. Imperturbably

Barrelhouse Website: Now Extra Snazzy

Just wanted to let you all know that the Barrelhouse website is redesigned and all live-like. Head on over and check it out.

What's new? This stuff:

• Our first ever official online issue, featuring new fiction, the runner-up from the Barrelhouse Invitational Pop Culture Essay Contest, and a gallery of photographs by Kylos Brannon, who took all the pictures and created the illustrated story for big bad Barrelhouse issue two.
  
  
  
• A snazzy new design that's easy on the eyes.
  
  
  
• News, like these photos from our last launch party.
  
  
  
• How to Get Thrown Out of a Poetry Reading (for those of you who weren't able to attend our last launch party)
  
  
  
• The latest submissions scoop. Hey -- we're looking for artists!
  
  
  
• Um, that's pretty much it.
  

Check it out.

Poor Skippy

So, how bad does Family Ties' Skippy feel about himself? He tries to make a career comeback on Last Comic Standing, but can't even get past the regional auditions, losing out to Professional VH1 Talking Head Doug Benson and some dude who used to be on Road Rules. You'd think they'd keep Skippy around just for the kitsch value.

Meanwhile, according to Entertainment Weekly, Tina Yothers is going to be on Celebrity Fit Club.

Today is the National Day of Slayer

And you thought there were no holidays between memorial day and the fourth of July. Well, you were wrong. It's 6/6/6, brother, Slayer's day.

But how to celebrate?

Luckily, our friends at NationalDayofSlayer.org have got a list of appropriate activities. Including:

• Listen to Slayer at full blast in your car.
  
• Listen to Slayer at full blast in your home.
  
• Listen to Slayer at full blast at your place of employment.
  
• Listen to Slayer at full blast in any public place you prefer.

Taking that participation to a problematic level

• Stage a "Slay-out." Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer.
  
• Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot.
  
• Spray paint Slayer logos on churches, synagogues, or cemeteries.
  
• Play Slayer covers with your own band (since 99% of your riffs are stolen from Slayer anyway).
  
• Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.

Well, what are you waiting for? Get on out there and celebrate!

The Break-Up

I saw The Break-Up this weekend, and I'm happy to report that it did not totally suck. Actually, I found it quite entertaining, if a little uneven. Then again, I have a huge soft spot for Vince Vaughn, who I almost always find hilarious. I even like that movie Made, the Swingers follow-up that everyone else seems to agree was a stinking pile of garbage. (I stand by my belief that the movie is grossly underrated. Vince Vaughn's character is hilarious, and Screech Powers makes a cameo. What more do you people want?)

Actually, what I found most intriguing about The Break-Up was that it featured a bunch of actors who I haven't seen in a long time, and who look really, really different than how I remembered them. Like Cole Hauser, who seems to have dyed his hair less red or something, and Joey Lauren Adams, who is all grown-up and adult-looking now. Maybe this is just a sign that I've seen Dazed and Confused too many times and expect those people to never change. If Wiley Wiggins ever makes another movie, and I see it, my head will probably explode.

But there were non-Dazed-and-Confused-related surprises, too. Like Vincent D'Onofrio. Maybe I just don't watch enough Law and Order, but man, when did he get so old? He looked and acted even crazier than usual, too, which for Vincent D'Onofrio is really saying something. Then there was the shapeshifting Jon Favreau, who was clearly in Fat Guy mode. Not quite the Soft Fat Guy of PCU or Rudy, more like Eating Eight Meals a Day and Bench Pressing But Not Ever Running or Even Walking Fat Guy.

I remember seeing a graphic one time that compared Robin Williams' various movies based on his facial hair. Apparently when he's sporting a beard it means "serious movie," and when he's clean shaven it means "comedy." Perhaps there's some similar Favreau Weight-o-Meter that could help predict the relative success or failure of a movie. We should get a couple grad students to look into this.

Speaking of which, it's summer. Where the hell's my intern? The laundry's piling up, and my feet aren't going to massage themselves.

Wing Nut Of The Week: A Lot About Blood

You know, I hate to keep picking on the evangelical Christians, but man, they sure do make it easy.

"[Evangelicals] are pro-free market, they're pro-private property. That's what evangelical stands for. I want the church to help me live life well, not exhaust me with endless 'worthwhile' projects."

That's New Life Church pastor Ted Haggard, as quoted by Harper's Magazine last May. Harper's goes on to explain that by worthwhile projects, "Ted means building funds and soup kitchens alike. It's not that he opposes these; it's just that he is sick of hearing about them and believes that other Christians are, too. He knows that for Christianity to prosper in the free market, it needs more than 'moral values' - it needs customer value."

Ah yes, customer value. It's why we now have megachurches with Krispy Kreme franchises inside them, sermons about how to invest your money, and Pastor Ted's very own Jerusalem Diet, which I guess is meant to help Evangelicals rich on the free market slim down just enough to squeeze through the eye of a needle.

Unfortunately, Ted's own web page is pretty damn vague about what The Jerusalem Diet is, so I had to go to the linked message board, where I gathered that it involves eating a lot of nuts and seeds. You know, just like they did in Bible times. Also, it makes people crap themselves. It also seems that Pastor Ted's message board could use a better spam filter.

When he's not writing diet books and eschewing community service, Ted likes to debate scientists and chat with President Bush (he speaks with either the President or one of his advisors every Monday). What do they talk about? Partial-birth abortion, gay marriage. Probably the Iraq War, which he wholeheartedly supports.

"My fear," he told Harper's, "is that my children will grow up in an Islamic state."

"'I teach a strong ideology of the use of power,' he says, 'of military might, as a public service.' He is for preemptive war, because he believes the Bible's exhortations against sin set for us a preemptive paradigm, and he is for ferocious war, because 'the Bible's bloody. There's a lot about blood.'"

So there you have it folks. The Bible is literal -- the world is 2,000 years old, dinosaurs lived alongside humans, gays are evil -- but "thou shall not kill" has to be understood in context. The Bible is bloody, people! There's a lot about blood in there!

Congratulations, Ted, you're our Wing Nut Of The Week. Your WNOTW plaque and coffee mug, along with a "You Can't Make a Monkey Out of Me" tee shirt, are in the mail.